Old Friends

*ring ring*



*ring ring*


Hello, this is Edgar.




*Muffled sobbing* E-e-edgarrrrr. She's left me. Miriam has left me. Oh god, I don't know what I'm gonna dooo. *sobbing* She said she's never coming baaaaack. *sniffle*




Clyde! Listen, Clyde. Whatever happened with Miriam will work itself out. You two have been husband and wife for...




(Anguished) Forty-four YEARS!! *intense sobbing* Wwhhhhhyyyy lord, wwhhyyy!




Calm down, Clyde. I'm here for you, friend. I will always be here for you. I care about you and I will help you get through this, okay? Whatever you need. I'm your rock.




*sniffle* You are? You're my rock?




Of course. You're my oldest and dearest friend. You saved my life in that P.O.W. camp. Those Viet Cong bastards were gonna let me rot in that filthy pit. You had the perfect chance to escape. But did you run? No. You stayed behind for me. You stayed with me and that gave me the hope I needed to go on living until we were rescued. That's a debt I can never ever repay.




Edgar, I know that if the roles had been reversed you would've done the same for me. *sniffle*




Yeah. Hmmm... Well.... I don't know. Probably not, Clyde. That place was a living hell. The leaches, the torture the starvation the humiliation, the bugs, the swamp rats... I don't think I'd have stuck around there for anything. No, I would have left you to die in that wooden cage. In a heartbeat. You had that nasty infected wound on your groin and you kept rocking back and forth singing that creepy lullaby song. Christ, I still hear that when I close my eyes. I respect you for what you did so I have to be honest with you-- I had to constantly fight my urge to kill you in your sleep.




R-really?




Absolutely and your whining... On and on about your precious Miriam. (Mocking) Will I ever see my Miriam again? Boo-hoo-hoo-- Oh, sorry, Clyde. That's probably not what you want to hear right now, is it?



N-n-nooo. *sobs* C-can you stay over at my house tonight just to keep me company. I'm so lonely. Maybe you can just spoon up against me a little, like Miriam used to do.



....Gosh... you know I would but I have a date tonight. It's nobody you know.

*beep*

That's my other line beeping, Clyde. Hold on one sec.



Dad, it's Donna. I don't think I'm ready to be a mother. He's scared away all the decent men. I've been starved for cock ever since this little bugger came along.
I just want to drop him on the side of the road.



Easy, Sweetie. Don't talk like that? That's my grandson, you're talking about.




Actually, Dad. Do you remember last year when we went up to the cabin together and did all those lines of coke, popped those tabs of ecstasy and things went a bit too--



Hold on now. We both agreed that that was a mistake. You know I was feeling vulnerable after the Yankees didn't win the playoffs. It hasn't happened since then, has it?



The baby is yours, Dad. You're his father.



..... WHAT?!



It's true, it's true. It's all so wrong I want to make all the pain go away.




.... Okay. Pull yourself together, Donna. The only way the pain will disappear is if the baby disappears.



I hit him really hard with the phone but he just started crying.



Well, babies are mostly cartilidge at that age. Anyhow, that's not what you want to do sweetie. You could go to jail for something like that.




Do they arrange conjugals visits in jail?




Stop it! Sit tight, Donna. I'm going to consult a specialist he's very good at delicate matters like this.




Okay, Daddy. I'll do whatever you think is right.





Good girl. I'll call you back soon. It's all gonna be sorted out. Don't fret.




O-kay, bye.

*click*




Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit SHIT! This is bad this is-- Ooh jeez.

*beep*

Hi Clyde, are you still there?






Uh huh? I'm in pain. My soul aches. My heart feels like it's been shre--


Sure, sure, that's great. Look, I have to make a call. I'll ring you later.




But...but, I thought you said you were here for me. My rock.




I am. I'm right here-- and your rock will call you later.

*click*




Hello, hello? *sobbing*




*ring ring*




*ring ring*



Big Dirk's Dumping! If you humped it, Dirk'll dump it.




Dirk, it's me.



Well, if it isn't my numero uno customer! How are ya Edgar?!



Listen, I need you to take care of a little something for me.




Did you go and skull fuck one of your neighbor's dogs again?




No. Now shut up. And don't use my name, you fuckwad!



Sorry, Edgar, force of habit. Ooopsie.



I have a baby that needs to get lost and stay lost.




Sweet. Is it another one of them girls from the sorority?




No, it's a BABY. A real baby.




Okay, there, man. No need ta get your titties all in a twist. I'll handle it, but it's gonna cost a lil extra.



What? No, I have my card. It clearly says after 9 dumps the 10th one is free.




Yeah, but the last dump was twins. I dumped both those boys but I only charged you for one. So you got your freebie already. Plus I have to charge you extra cause I like babies. It's an extra 20% charge for being, you know, non-ethical n' stuff.



Wha- Twenty percent extra? Are you trying to bust my ass cherry? That's a rip off. Forget it Dirk! You just lost my business!

*click*



*ring ring*



*ring ring*




*ring ring*




*sobbing* H-helloo...? Miriam, is that you, honey lamb?!



No, Clyde. It's Edgar. Miriam is long gone and buddy she's never coming back. Why would she?



Because she and I built a wonderful life together and w--



Hey. Forget about her. I have something even better. Something that'll love you back and won't be able to run away for years.



Y-you do? Look, I'm a desperate and lonely old man. Please don't toy with me when I'm feelin' so vulnerable.



It's a beautiful, baby boy. But you have to promise to take it, get right in your RV, drive off and never come back here again.



Oh, a baby! I have so much love to give. Absolutely. A baby would be such a warm beacon of hope and joy to my withered psyche in this otherwise cold, cruel world. You're a true friend, Edgar. A friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.


Good point, Clyde. Let's discuss that. Tell me exactly how much money you have saved up in your retirement fund?