Ring Ring

Funnier Without Pictures = )

2006-06-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hi there. *Ring Ring* would like to apologize to the tens of thousands of fans in the United States, England, Canada, Australia... basically all the countries where a loyal cult *Ring Ring* following has gotten started.

Well, as most of you Ring Ring fans already know by now from reading all about it on the "internerd" websites, the fellow "creators" and I had a falling out over who owned the Ring Ring movie rights and it got pretty down right nasty between us at times. Was it YGWIN who owned the right because we just invited her because she was funny and a girl and we like girls who are funny and have luscious pouty lips? Maybe In fact.. One time YGWIN and I were stranded on a secluded beach together and she got bitten by a sand cobra on her very upper inner thigh region* and I had no choice but to suck the deadly snake poison out. YGWIN and I grew closer after that. When Sherriff learned of this special friendship it caused Sherriff to fly into a caffeine-infused crying fit/rage/pout.

That's why I got a call from the law offices of Slim E. Bastard. Sorry I have to change the attorney guy's actual name for obvious legal reasons. So this guy goes on and on about how the movie rights belong to Sheriff because it was his idea to take my original concept in the first place. That's right, Sheriff did in fact blatantly steal my idea of making frequent use of the picture conversations or captions to convey comedic comedy. Also called the "Ha Ha." That's right, he took it and I was all pretending to be flattered because of our friendship and what not but looking back now I can see that's when things began to fall. Shortly afterwards the entire Ring Ring writing staff had turned on each other. Words were said, phrases were used, grandmothers were kidnapped. It's regrettable. We all wanted to just work past it but once the lawyers were involved it got complicated and out of hand. At one point my lawyer advised me to launch a counter suit against Sherriff's attorney for emotional distress for taking us to court. I didn't know our lawyer represented both me and Sherriff at that time.

Anyway we lost or sponsorship and our funding for the Ring Ring project as a result of the negative trail of publicity and also my habit of luring our sponsors reps to old abandonded buildings and stabbing them with a knife. Yes, funding was lost and I may have said some things I should not have said and stabbed some folks I probably shouldn't have stabbed. They say hindsight is 20/20 but say the past is past and life is for the living. Did I do these things? Yes, regretably I did. But damn, how many times do I have to say "I'm sorry" before you will love me and hold me again?

Personally I took many positives away from the whole messy incident. I think Ring Rings are much funnier now that we have decided to stop using any pictures at all because of the numerous copyright problems we encountered. They're more lean and edgy and raw. When you don't have pictures to rely on the writing has got to be much more alot sharper. I think the pictures were a comedy crutch. You be the judge. Compare this new Ring Ring to the crappy picture Ring Rings you've seen before.

Again, thanks to the fans who stuck by us (me) during this complicated time in the Ring Ring Saga (History).

*Ring Ring*

=0 Hello?
= ) Hi, why are you calling me at 4am? What's so important that it can't wait?

=0 I'm having your baby.

= ) What the heck?! My baby?! That's impossible! Men can't give birth.
= 0 No, no, no. I'm a cannibal. I meant to explain that I was having your baby for my supper.

=0!!!! Gasp!

THE END

So, am i right isn't it funnier without the pictures?

* Vagina

Ring Ring Swing Badda Swing

2006-01-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

I came home from the Swinger's party and was about to open my door when...

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

*beep*

"Oh man, not you cats again..."

*beep*

"Listen, I ain't got no more Tang ok? NASA my fucking O-Ring bitch!"

[this is the International Space Station...]

"and this is Steve Austin. Sherriff are you there?"

*beep*

"Damn these conference calls! Sherriff are you there?"

"....."

"....."

"....."

"....beep"

"Dude, I know that's you..."

"beep"

[stop impersonating us, this is very important]

I REALLY had to change my number...

"Fuck shit you fucking Poof Lords, WHAT???"

"Sherriff, we have a highly sensitive mission for you, we need your help..."

"You know what Steve? Fuck you, last time you said that I ended up on the motherfucking moon man"

"You ended up on the Moonman? I didn't know you swung that way...you really ARE the man for the job..."

"....."

"Sorry, bit of Six Million Dollar Humour..."

"....."

*beep*

"Yeah, BEEP is right bitch..."

"Anyway, Sherriff, the mission. I have recently intercepted rep.."

[HEY!]

"Fine. WE have recently intercepted rep..."

[STEEEEEEVENNNNN]

"Fucking Hell. FINE. OOOOOOH THE ALMIGHTY SPACE STATION has recently intercepted reports from an unknown alien source. These reports speak of plans to merge humanity with an unknown alien race. From the planet, Genetalia. We are alarmed, alert and also slightly peckish."

"Have you had breakfast?"

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST SHERRIFF"

"Sounds like someone is a little GRUMPY-POOO! You should really have some breakfast dude, it's the most important meal of the day you know..."

"Look Sherriff, these alien reports speak of assimilating themselves with the Human Race, by using Swinging websites to meet and Mind Meld with hundreds of people like you. Your perfect match COULD be online now. It's TERRIFYING."

"....I don't know what you're talking about man. I only went on that site once...for research..."

"It's okay Guy, I'm not judging you...In fact, I had a profile on there too once, but the only people who contacted me were Fat Middle Aged Men pretending to be young girls. I didn't realise until I had come all over his face. You have no idea how shocked I was...TERRIFYING. But, that's not the issue here. The important thing is the Human Race..."

"Wooooah there Sixey, you only realised it was a man AFTER YOU CAME ON HIS FACE? WHATCHOOTALKINABOUTWILLS?"

"I told you, that's not important right now, what's important is getting a man on the ground, someone who can stalk and identify these aliens, before it's too late...Are you online now?"

".......maybe...."

"I have a hotel room booked for later tonight. I'm attractive and genuine. My number is..."

[BEEP! BEEP! BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPMOTHERFUCKERBEEEEEEP!]

"Sorry, look, stay online, keep your eyes open, and try to collect some evidence that these creatures exist. You'll be doing your planet a great service young man...I'll get back to you soon....Please...try to keep this under your hat ok?"

"Yeah man, whatever..."

I hung up and went back to my computer.

[YOU HAVE THREE NEW MESSAGES!]

*click*

From: HOTGAL4U

Hey there. I'm a 23 year old girl who likes it hard and dirty. Checked out your profile and ever since I haven't been able to stop thinking of you. Your photo really turns me on. I have the day off work today and I'm feeling really horny. Here's my number. I'd love to come to your house, be tied up and used as your fuck toy. Hurry, I'm so wet I'm finding it HARD not to slide right off my chair...

Lust is a dangerous currency, and I was fucking Donald Trump. I dialed the number.

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

"Ahhh, hey. This is Sherriff, you know, from the website. I got your message and thought I'd give you a call...Nice weather we're having hey?"

"OH GOD DO ME, DO ME TODAY ALL DAY, TIE ME UP AND USE ME, FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!"

"Yeeeeah, they say there's a chance of rain later, but it looks quite nice out right now..."

"What is your address, let me CUM to you. NOW"

I'm a guy. A guy with needs and desires. An adventurous guy, one who craves love and cuddles. And a naked 23 year old tied to his bed.

I gave her my address.

About an hour later...

{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}

I opened my door and...

[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. PLACE YOUR FIST IN MY ENTRY HOLE. DO ME IN THE POO]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING MOTHERFUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

I slammed the door.

Outside I could hear the desperate slurping of the alien.

[in the poo. in the poo. in the poo.]

I screamed through the keyhole, I AIN'T DOING Y'ALL IN NO POO FREAKHOLE! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

For three hours I lay crouched and huddled, embryonic behind the table I had used to block the door. Steve was right. These swinger freaks were motherfucking ALIENS MAN. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit....

I tried to call him...

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Steve Austin.."

"STEVE MAN YOU WERE RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER. STEVE DUDE YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAN, THERE'S AN ALIEN SWINGER VAG AT MY MOTHERFUCKING FRONT DOOR DUDE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET YOUR FUCKING SIX MILLION DOLLAR ABS THE FUCK HERE RIGHT NOW. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!"

"Ok Omar, slow down, we're like Little Fonzies yo. Little Fonzies. And what are are Little Fonzies?"

"...............cool?"

"That's right motherfucker. So be cool, and I'll get there as fast as I can..."

He hung up. I cried for my mommy.

About ten minutes later...

{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}

{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}

"Sherriff, open up man, it's me Steve I got the stuff..."

"Steve?"

"Yeah man, it's me Steve, open up...."

"Steve?"

"yeah man STEVE...."

"Steve's not here man..."

That joke will never die.

I pushed the table aside and opened the door...

[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. RUB YOUR HANDS AGAINST MY SIX PACK. ALLOW US ENTRY TO YOUR POO. ALLOW US. ALLOWWWWWWW USSSSSS]

*SLAM*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

THEY GOT STEVE!!! THEY GOT STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!!!!

I pushed the table back across and jammed it beneath the door handle. This shit was crazy. I mean, I kind of knew I wasn't getting no sexy 23 year old girl, BUT ALIENS FORMED FROM THE BODIES OF SWINGERS???? WHO THE FUCK EXPECTS THAT SHIT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT???

I paced. I thought. I pondered. I came to the conclusion that only one man could help me. I dialled his number...

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

".....c'mon....."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

".....c'mon....."

"Hello Krankiboy speaking. Don't make me KRANKI or you get spanki spanki!"

"Dude...don't ever speak like that"

"Hey man relaaaaaaax amundo!"

"Dude, shut up and listen...."

"I am the FONZ yo! Sit on it!"

"....."

"Sit on it! Sit on it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"LISTEN FUCKER. I'M IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. I'VE BEEN ON THIS SWINGING WEBSITE AND NOW I'M BEING STALKED BY GENETALIA ALIENS DETERMINED TO TOUCH ME UP THE POO!!! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"

"UP THE POO? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHO THE FUCK SAYS UP THE POO????"

"THEY DO! IT'S SOME SORT OF ALIEN TALK MAN! YOU GOTS TO HELP ME, I'M FREAKING OUT!"

"Alright brother, chill the fuck out. I'll get there as fast as I can...oh hang on, I think I just got a message from someone...I'll see you soon..."

What the Hell was going on?

{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}

"Dude, it's me KRANKI, open the fucking door yo"

I was afraid. But I trusted Kranki. He was my brother from another mother.

I opened the door.

[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. YOU MUST RELENT. YOU MUST RUB MY SCROTEY LOOKING FACE. YOUR POO WILL BE ENTERED INTO. JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US!]

[JOIN US!]

[JOIN US!]

[JOHN UP! Oh shit, stupid predictive text...I mean JOIN US!]

Fuck it. C'mon in...

I was officially a Swinger.

The Big Deal

2005-09-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

*ring ring*

"Yo, somebody wanna get the bloody phone? "

* ring ring *

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Hello? Sherriff here.

Hiya, Frank Felcher here! Felcher Productions. I'm calling long distance from Hollywood Cali-fucking-fornia. Is dis the guy who calls himself Sherriff!

Hey dude, listen... If this is about getting your daughters pregnant, I'm really sorry, I had no idea they were fourteen years-old. They lied to me man, they said they were nine years-old and were way too young to get pregnant. Swear to God. I think they dosed my drink too.

What? No ya pimple pocked jerk off. If you shut up, I'll tell you why I'm calling... I'm calling to make you rich.

Look, I don't want to swallow more condoms filled with heroin or smuggle anything stuffed in my arse again.
(pause)
How much can you pay me?

No, no. Shut the fucking fuck up and listen fuck bag. It's Frank Felcher from Felcher Productions. We want to make your "Ringie Rings" thingie into a major motion picture.

Wait. You mean *Ring Ring*?! You want to take a blog that we haven't updated in, like, five months and turn it into a major motion picture? Are you really calling from Hollywood?

Yeah, twig-dick I am! Here. I'll look out my office window to prove it.

Impressive huh? Well, Mr. Sherriff, you little twat-sniffer. Do we have a deal?...

*office door opens*

Hang on one sec. My assistant just walked in.

Irma, what is it? I'm on long distance.

I'm naked and I want you. I want you now. I've been a bad bad secretary.

Dammit! You stupid cunt! You know I find the term secretary derogatory towards women. How many times do I have to tell you you're my executive assistant. Now put your clothes back on before you embarrass yourself, you enormous slut.

Frank... You're hurting my feelings. But I want you to hurt my hynie. Pound me Daddy! Pound me like a naughty veal cutlet.

Hey Sherriff Shit-fer-brains. Can you stick your dick in it's holster and hang on a minute?

Um... yeah dude. If you gotta tap that snatch, I'll hold. Can you just put the phone by her mouth so I can listen?

You pervert! Are you implying that I would take advantage of my powerful position and engage in lewd and inappropriate acts with an employee? At my sacred place of business?! Yo got no idea how Hollywood works.

Uh... dude. She sounds so ready, set n' wet that I'd crawl across broken glass to just to suck the dick that fucked her ass.

Hey Dundee, I don't know how they run things down in The Outback, but this is Hollywood, California. We are always a class act.

....Wait. So you're not gonna bust a coconut on that sex-cravin' wench?

Class. We have class here you anal instigator! And don't call my executive assistant a wench. It robs the stupid nympho bitch of her dignity.

Please. I want to be your cum dumpster!

Irma, please. Where's your self-esteem? And open up a window, yer stinking up my office with your whore stench.

Look, kid, let me write you an enormous check okay?

.... Dude, is she touching herself? I need details.

Focus here. What type of money you Aussie schmucks got. Ya use Euros down there or do you just trade bugs, shells and snake skins and shit?

Look man, Ring Ring is not for sale, okay. Not for any price. Not now, not ever! You can't put a price on art or Free Speech.

*Moans* OOOOoooooooohhhhh! Idealism confronting capitalism gets me sooo horny.

You pissant little turd monkey! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY fucks Frank Felcher!

...Nobody?

...NOBODY!

*clears throat* Hi Frank. You ready?

Hey, kid gotta go. I'll call back and yell more obscenities at you later? My "physical therapist" just walked in.

Okay cool. Put your executive assistant on the phone, ok? I wanna fill her with my meat sauce.

Mmmm... You know I haven't eaten anything but celery in nine days so men will find me attractive.

Whoa. Anorexic too. Somebody just stuck a cherry on top of my sundae.

Dial S for Steve

2005-05-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

"So, what you're saying is any physical theory is always provisional, in the sense that it is only a hypothesis: you can never prove it. No matter how many times the results of experiments agree with some theory, you can never be sure that the next time the result will not contradict the theory. On the other hand, you can disprove a theory by finding even a single observation that disagrees with the predictions of the theory... Each time new experiments are observed to agree with the predictions the theory survives, and our confidence in it is increased; but if ever a new observation is found to disagree, we have to abandon or modify the theory..."

[exactly]

"It seems to me that today's scientists describe the universe in terms of two basic partial theories - the general theory of relativity and quantum mechanics... The general theory of relativity describes the force of gravity and the large-scale structure of the universe, that is, the structure on scales from only a few miles to as large as a million million million million (1 with twenty-four zeros after it) miles, the size of the observable universe. Quantum mechanics, on the other hands, deals with phenomena on extremely small scales, such as a millionth of a millionth of an inch. Unfortunately, however, these two theories are known to be inconsistent with each other - they cannot both be correct..."

[no. they cannot. i agree wholeheartedly]

"Interesting. So the discovery of a complete unified theory, therefore, may not aid the survival of our species. It may not even affect our life-style. But ever since the dawn of civilization, people have not been content to see events as unconnected and inexplicable. They have craved an understanding of the underlying order in the world. Today we still yearn to know why we are here and where we came from. Humanity's deepest desire for knowledge is justification enough for our continuing quest. And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the universe we live in..."

[that's exactly what i feel]

"Ok...well thanks for clearing that up"

[ok johhny. now switch my legs with a nice strong piece of birch]

"........"

[steven likes it when you hit his legs]

".....um....."

[oh. oh. nursey hurt steven. harder johnny harder]

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Keanu speaking"

[switch stevies legs]

"Hey steve, listen man, i'm at work right now..."

[switch stevies legs]

"Dude...I'm AT WORK"

[switch stevies legs]

"Listen baby, you know I like it but, the boss is really giving me a hard time right5 now, if I got caught..."

[switch stevies legs]

"Ok, listen...let me just check if he's around..."

"Cool he's gone. Ok Stevie...I'm gonna switch you good...wait, wait...I thought I heard something..."

"Hmm...just the cleaner..."

[switch stevies legs]

"Ok baby, you ready? I've got a nice strong piece of birch..."

[SWITCH STEVEN'S LEGS! SWITCH STEVEN'S LEGS!]

"Ok, but first...I'm gonna look out again....You want me to look again? I can look again..."

[NO! switch stevies legs]

"I'll look again. Hang on..."

"Still nothing. You want me to keep an eye out?"

[switch stevies legs. i am getting impatient and sad.]

"Hey I can do impatient and sad...Like in that movie I done."

[......]

"Did you think I was good in it?"

[........]

"Hehehe......great.....I kick that computer's ass"

[switch stevies legs]

"I'm a secret agent!"

[stevie go now....]

Old Friends

2005-03-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Hello, this is Edgar.

*Muffled sobbing* E-e-edgarrrrr. She's left me. Miriam has left me. Oh god, I don't know what I'm gonna dooo. *sobbing* She said she's never coming baaaaack. *sniffle*

Clyde! Listen, Clyde. Whatever happened with Miriam will work itself out. You two have been husband and wife for...

(Anguished) Forty-four YEARS!! *intense sobbing* Wwhhhhhyyyy lord, wwhhyyy!

Calm down, Clyde. I'm here for you, friend. I will always be here for you. I care about you and I will help you get through this, okay? Whatever you need. I'm your rock.

*sniffle* You are? You're my rock?

Of course. You're my oldest and dearest friend. You saved my life in that P.O.W. camp. Those Viet Cong bastards were gonna let me rot in that filthy pit. You had the perfect chance to escape. But did you run? No. You stayed behind for me. You stayed with me and that gave me the hope I needed to go on living until we were rescued. That's a debt I can never ever repay.

Edgar, I know that if the roles had been reversed you would've done the same for me. *sniffle*

Yeah. Hmmm... Well.... I don't know. Probably not, Clyde. That place was a living hell. The leaches, the torture the starvation the humiliation, the bugs, the swamp rats... I don't think I'd have stuck around there for anything. No, I would have left you to die in that wooden cage. In a heartbeat. You had that nasty infected wound on your groin and you kept rocking back and forth singing that creepy lullaby song. Christ, I still hear that when I close my eyes. I respect you for what you did so I have to be honest with you-- I had to constantly fight my urge to kill you in your sleep.

R-really?

Absolutely and your whining... On and on about your precious Miriam. (Mocking) Will I ever see my Miriam again? Boo-hoo-hoo-- Oh, sorry, Clyde. That's probably not what you want to hear right now, is it?

N-n-nooo. *sobs* C-can you stay over at my house tonight just to keep me company. I'm so lonely. Maybe you can just spoon up against me a little, like Miriam used to do.

....Gosh... you know I would but I have a date tonight. It's nobody you know.

*beep*

That's my other line beeping, Clyde. Hold on one sec.

Dad, it's Donna. I don't think I'm ready to be a mother. He's scared away all the decent men. I've been starved for cock ever since this little bugger came along.
I just want to drop him on the side of the road.

Easy, Sweetie. Don't talk like that? That's my grandson, you're talking about.

Actually, Dad. Do you remember last year when we went up to the cabin together and did all those lines of coke, popped those tabs of ecstasy and things went a bit too--

Hold on now. We both agreed that that was a mistake. You know I was feeling vulnerable after the Yankees didn't win the playoffs. It hasn't happened since then, has it?

The baby is yours, Dad. You're his father.

..... WHAT?!

It's true, it's true. It's all so wrong I want to make all the pain go away.

.... Okay. Pull yourself together, Donna. The only way the pain will disappear is if the baby disappears.

I hit him really hard with the phone but he just started crying.

Well, babies are mostly cartilidge at that age. Anyhow, that's not what you want to do sweetie. You could go to jail for something like that.

Do they arrange conjugals visits in jail?

Stop it! Sit tight, Donna. I'm going to consult a specialist he's very good at delicate matters like this.

Okay, Daddy. I'll do whatever you think is right.

Good girl. I'll call you back soon. It's all gonna be sorted out. Don't fret.

O-kay, bye.

*click*

Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit SHIT! This is bad this is-- Ooh jeez.

*beep*

Hi Clyde, are you still there?

Uh huh? I'm in pain. My soul aches. My heart feels like it's been shre--

Sure, sure, that's great. Look, I have to make a call. I'll ring you later.

But...but, I thought you said you were here for me. My rock.

I am. I'm right here-- and your rock will call you later.

*click*

Hello, hello? *sobbing*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Big Dirk's Dumping! If you humped it, Dirk'll dump it.

Dirk, it's me.

Well, if it isn't my numero uno customer! How are ya Edgar?!

Listen, I need you to take care of a little something for me.

Did you go and skull fuck one of your neighbor's dogs again?

No. Now shut up. And don't use my name, you fuckwad!

Sorry, Edgar, force of habit. Ooopsie.

I have a baby that needs to get lost and stay lost.

Sweet. Is it another one of them girls from the sorority?

No, it's a BABY. A real baby.

Okay, there, man. No need ta get your titties all in a twist. I'll handle it, but it's gonna cost a lil extra.

What? No, I have my card. It clearly says after 9 dumps the 10th one is free.

Yeah, but the last dump was twins. I dumped both those boys but I only charged you for one. So you got your freebie already. Plus I have to charge you extra cause I like babies. It's an extra 20% charge for being, you know, non-ethical n' stuff.

Wha- Twenty percent extra? Are you trying to bust my ass cherry? That's a rip off. Forget it Dirk! You just lost my business!

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*sobbing* H-helloo...? Miriam, is that you, honey lamb?!

No, Clyde. It's Edgar. Miriam is long gone and buddy she's never coming back. Why would she?

Because she and I built a wonderful life together and w--

Hey. Forget about her. I have something even better. Something that'll love you back and won't be able to run away for years.

Y-you do? Look, I'm a desperate and lonely old man. Please don't toy with me when I'm feelin' so vulnerable.

It's a beautiful, baby boy. But you have to promise to take it, get right in your RV, drive off and never come back here again.

Oh, a baby! I have so much love to give. Absolutely. A baby would be such a warm beacon of hope and joy to my withered psyche in this otherwise cold, cruel world. You're a true friend, Edgar. A friend in need is a friend indeed. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you.

Good point, Clyde. Let's discuss that. Tell me exactly how much money you have saved up in your retirement fund?

Fetish ME and I'll Fetish YOU!

2005-02-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

*ring*

*ring*

"Yeah?"

"Hey there Sherriff. It's YGWIN."

"BITCH!"

"I know... I know... I'm calling to apologize! Here, let me get Kranki on the line. This is for him, too."

*ring*

*ring*

"Krankiboy Khronicles, this is Kranki."

"Don't hang up!"

"Oh, it's YOU!"

"I know the nerve of some people. You'd think they were raised in a barn!"

"Et tu, Sherriff?"

"Hey now, she called ME up and..."

"Guys, simmer down... let me explain."

"I don't want any more of your EXCUSES!"

"EXACTLY!"

"I mean come on, I'm more than a hot Asian fetish..."

"You make us feel so.... ashamed... and soiled... with your innuendoes!"

"I know. I've started sensitivity classes and..."

"You've said that BEFORE!"

"And no more e-mails either!"

*shudder*

"Oh God, you get them too?"

"I don't know who invented the chopsticks, damn you! So stop asking!"

"And I don't know if Chinese stars can be used like boomerangs! I'm Japanese for Christ's sake!"

"I'm so ashamed of myself... using you, my amigos, as mouthpieces for an entire amalgamation of cultures like that!"

"SEE! There you go again with the mouthpieces shit...!"

"Wait, I didn't mean it like that... I..."

"You sicken me."

*ring*

*ring*

"Hold up guys... my cellio's ringing off the hook today!"

(pause)

"Hello?"

"Hey baby, you ready?"

*breathless*

"Almost, I just need to finish something..."

"Well hurry it up. I've been Ninja training all day and I need a lil' action from my fav pony..."

"NINJA training? I'll be right over!"

"Good. Green tea and wasabi body shots in half an hour... be here!"

*click*

"Oh, hey guys... sorry about that... I, um... well... SupersorrybutIHAVEtagonow!"

"You have such a problem."

"I weep for you."

teehehehehe... sorry to interrupt... I'm rooking for big board to put cooking on... teehehehehee

"BUSTED!"

"Big time!"

"Hurry... it getting cold! teeheeeee"

"Gotta go guys... Heart ya and all that! We'll talk soon... Kisses!"

*click*

"Westerners and their over commoditization of fetishes!"

"Pathetic. Hey, lets go down to the bar and pick us up some slutty, big tittied, blonde backpackers!"

"Golden, those bitches are ripe for a little Samurai action... Heee ya!"

"See ya in 20. I'll bring my sword."

"What should I wear?

*click*

LIVE!

2005-02-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

"fffffffffffffft"

"fffffffffffffft"

"fffffffffffffft"

"fffffffffffffft"

"HELLO! Welcome to another EXCITING installment of Glickman Tonight!"

*applause*

"Tonight on Glickman averyspecialguest! Colin Farrell!!!"

*applause*

"Yes that's right folks that old Gaelic Love Rat will be in to tell us all about a very....scary...incident...."

"ooooooooooh"

"Also! Dancing Pets! And of course the Glickman Band!!!"

"and she's buying a stairway...to..."

"Thanks guys, anyway first up! the Glick Man will need a volunteer from our studio audience!"

"We'll neeeeeed a memmmmber...of the stuuuuudiooooo audie..."

"Great guys, NOW! Who wants to touch Glickman???"

"Me! Me! Me!...No pick me!"

"I'll suck you off Glickman!"

"ooooooooooh"

"Looks like we've got ourselves a winner! What's your name friend?"

"My naaaaaame is Serrrrgeant Shultz!"

"Shultz aye? Are you Russian"

"Noooo! Shultz only had half a pill!"

"Hahahahahaha"

"Yeah good one Shultz............I'll do the fucking jokes here alright? ANYWAY! Schultz! For your chance....to win....the mystery prize....youjustneedtoanswerthisonesimplequestion. Are you READY?"

"No"

"oh for fuck's sake Schultz..."

"I wanna do poopy..."

"Hahahahahaha"

"oh for fuck's sake...Ok...forget it, let's move along...shall we? Our very special guest tonight has managed to screw his way around Hollywood for the last few years and STILL manages to avoid a bad case of syphlis, no it's not Krankiboy....our guest tonight is the always charming....COLIN FARRELL!!!!"

"Ah Colin, colin, colin, colin is here, colly wolly golly.....Colin is HERE!"

*rapturous applause*

"Colin! How are you tonight?"

"Ay, I'm alroight Glicky to be sure...How about that Schultz then, a roight laff he is aye?"

"Yeah, a fucking barrel of it, anyway Colin...I believe you're here tonight to tell us...a very....scary.....story...."

"ooooooooooh"

"Actually Glicky, I'm here to get laid...but Oi'll pass the time with a yarn if ya like...

It was a few weeks ago now...

I was walking down the street minding my own business...

when all of a sudden...

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"No-one was around, and that bloody pay phone was ringing...

"PICK IT UP COL! PICK IT UP!"

"Yeah, keep ya fucking shirts on..."

"ooooooooooo"

"anyway...

"I stood there not knowing what to do...and then I thought...maybe it was Britney, ya know...wanting to say hello to Colin and co...if ya know what I mean..."

"TO BE SURE! TO BE SURE!"

"So I answered the bloody thing..."

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! A BIG ROUND OF APPLA..."

"Oi! I'm still going ya sack of old arseholes..."

"Oh right...sorry Colin, so....you answered the phone...."

"tosser..."

"So I answer the bloody phone see..."

"YES? YES?"

"And there's this voice on the other end of the line..."

"YES? YES?"

"And he says, he says..."

[colin farrell, do exactly as I say and you will not be harmed]

"ooooooooooo"

"So I say, okay mate, whatever you want...tell me what to do..."

[colin farrell, make the camera zoom closer]

"like this? I says..."

[not quite that close]

"Like this?"

[better. now make a face as though you are really stoned]

"okay...how's this?"

[hey. that's pretty good. i never really thought of you as much of an actor, but you're starting to convince me. how long can you hold it for?]

"Aaah...that's it I'm afraid..."

[not bad. i may spare your life after all. but first...]

"Yes?"

"Yes?"

"YES?"

[i want you to sing my way]

"My Way?"

"MY WAY?"

"Yep. Bloody My Way..."

[please. i really like that song. it would mean a lot to me...]

"Fine..."

"I DID IT MYYYYYYYYYY....................."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*rapturous applause*

[thankyou colin farrell]

"Weird huh? So then....

"YES? YES? YES?"

"I got a slurpee...

"YES? YES? YES?"

"and got absolutely....

"fffffffffffffft"

"fffffffffffffft"

"fffffffffffffft"

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

2005-02-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

I had the fog. It had been a very, very late night.

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Sherriff. Death is my gift..."

"Oh man, what a fucking night..."

"Ugh...I don't remember much to tell you the truth...

I remember...

"Talking with John, it was good to catch up...

"Then I had a shot of Absinthe...

"Then the pill started to kick in...I remember rubbing Kranki's head...

"Kranki got on the dancefloor with...someone...

"They danced for hours...

"and hours...

"and hours...

"That's the last thing I remember...now...I feel like shit my man..."

"So you don't remember ANYTHING? Oh man...it got bad..."

"What do you mean...bad?"

"Well, after the club...

"Kranki decided to go skinny dipping...

"Yeah..so?"

"Yeah so...

"so then we ALL got naked...

"Yeah so...

"Yeah so...

"Then we all got REALLY naked..."

"......."

"........"

".........."

"....................."

"No..."

"Yes...."

"Really?"

"Really...."

"Oh....man....."

"Oh man indeed..."

"......."

"........"

"......."

"........"

"Ok.......I'm gonna have a shower dude, get myself together...then I gotta call Kranki...I'll speak soon..."

"Ok.....big boy....hahahahahaha"

"......."

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Krankiboy Kronicles...Krankiboy speaking!"

"Dude..."

"Oh..................................hey........................."

"DUDE"

"Look man, I don't know what to say....."

"Don't know what to say? DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?????? DUDE! MOTHERFUCKING DUDE MAN....DUDE!"

"Look man, we had a LOT of absinthe man, and those pills..."

"Don't give me that man...."

"Look, I'm at work...let's get together later...we'll work it out...ok?"

"............"

"Ok?"

"Ok...but I gotta get out of the house man, get me some air...call me on my mobile..."

"Ok...........big boy..."

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Sherriff..."

"It's me, Ms Fits..."

"Oh...er....hey baby, look I'm just in a movie right now...can I call you back?"

"CALL ME BACK? I HEARD WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT...I'LL GIVE YOU MOTHERFUCKING CALL ME BACK!"

"No baby, it's not what you think...I swear..."

"NO? NO? NOT WHAT I THINK? I AM SO MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW! HOW COULD YOU?"

"No baby...

"Shhhhhhh......"

"WHO WAS THAT? PUT THEM ON THE PHONE!"

"No baby...

"Shhhhhhh......"

"Baby...listen...

"Shhhhhhh......"

"HEY FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK ME? NO FUCK YOU. GOODBYE FOREVER..."

*click*

"FUCK! FUCKING FUCK!"

"Shhhhhhh......"

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Sherriff"

"Hey big boy..."

"Hey stop motherfucking calling me that. I'll kick your arse"

"mmmm"

"Dude, shut yo' mouth..."

"Hey man, where are you anyway?"

"Brother I am as far away from you motherfuckers as I can possibly get..."

"Yeah? Well you better get yo' nice and spicy ass back to town pronto my friend...some shit's going down. Y'all need to be here..."

"Mother....fucker. A'ight, I be back soon...."

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Yeah?"

"Errr...hey Sherriff it's me....Muscle Mike..."

"Yeah?"

"Hey, I was just wondering....you know....what you're doing tonight...maybe you and I could...."

"Dude...get your big brawny ass off the phone right now..."

"And over to your place?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH"

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"WHAT?"

"Baby..."

"Oh...hey beautiful..."

"Baby...I love you you know? I love you! Oh baby...can't we just forget this ever happened?"

"Gorgeous girl...

"I'm working on that right now..."

Property rights

2005-02-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

"C'mon....answer your phone...."

"Krankiboy Kronicles. Krankiboy speaking"

"Yo. It's Sherriff"

"What up dawg?"

"Look. I'm into peace and love baby...you know that..."

"Yeah..."

"And I'm into share and share alike you know...."

"Yeah..."

"But baby,this motherfucking blog is getting out of hand man...EVERYONE'S DOING IT NOW YOU KNOW?"

"I know..."

"What's a nigger to do?"

"hey man! Who you calling nigger?"

"Oh sorry man, I mean...what we gonna do?"

"I don't know dawg...I mean, it's fun to see everyone doing it..."

"yeah i know...."

"Even though, they first appeared on my blog...."

*cough*

"Hehehehehe"

*cough*

"Hehehehehe"

*cough*

"Well shit nigger, what you want...a motherfucking medal?"

"no...we knew what would happen, well actually...we had no idea it would get this fucking crazy..."

"I like it..."

"Hehehehe....I like it too..."

"yeah...."

"Okay...so...we're cool then...let's just keep on going, and I should feel good that everyone wants to do one now...right?"

"actually...."

"Yeah?"

"Well...we both know we're in it to become famous and score heaps of free pussy and truckloads of coke right?"

"Yeah... no motherfucking shit nigger!"

"I SAID HEY MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Sorry...go on..."

"And well, being that is was my idea...."

"......."

"Hehehehehe"

"......."

"I tell you what...."

"What?"

"We should open it up man...we should open the sucker up"

"Hey! Who you calling sucker?"

"Sorry...look baby...just let it go you know?"

"Okay K-Man...I guess you're right...But dude?"

"Yeah?"

"Anyone steals another one of my motherfucking ideas and I'll kick their ass...cool?"

"and the gang nigger..."

"HEY!"

Heaven's On The Line

2005-02-21T14:40:00.000-08:00

*ring*

*ring*

Hello, you've reached the Clark County Animal Rescue Shelter. How may I direct your call?

My life is one of sorrow and discontent.

I'm sorry, but this is an animal clinic and...

I am more than a toy for the world's pleasure!
Everyone is like... "look brooding Rick" and "pour more water on your rippling muscles Rick."

ENOUGH!

I have feelings too!

Of course you do! Listen, the world is a cruel and heartless bitch and she'll...

Not like you though.

I don't know what you mean?

I feel like there is a connection between us, no?

I feel it too!

Madrino de demos, my golden meat goddess, you are the light at the end of my long dark channel!

Huh?

I'm sorry, sometimes my English is not so good.
The native tongue in my mouth, well, she is Espagnola.

You're from Spain?

Never mind such things as from, tell me...
No, don't speak. I cannot take it!

What! Tell, me... Rick... Please!

No, such a love is not for us. We are two wet dolphins torn apart by the waves of apathy and disdain! Pah, the taste this leaves in my mouth is that of one thousand octopi, octopusses, octipod... whatever, their ink sacks and ash. Yes, inky ash! I cannot take it. I must go...

No! Rick... Please...

It is best this way, goodbye my love!
You will always shine like one million rubied nipples in the chasm of my memory!

Rick... I'll never love like this again!

*sobbing*

Shhh...

I know.

I know.

Goodbye la ninagita, my little love packet!
Goodbye!

*click*

I likes big butts and I cannot lie, all you other brothas...

*ring*

*ring*

Hello, thank you for calling the Benton County Rural Firefighters Help Hotline. My name is Sue, how may I direct your call?

Sue, it is your voice that keeps me from the darkness of my souless pit!

Excuse me?

No excuse is necessary for the light you beam into my love hole!

WHAT!

Forgive me, the words in English do not often come on me...

Come to you. The words in English do not always come to you...

Yes, that too.
Enough, what does come to me is the beauty of your geyser from where love gushes forth to bring me the drink of LIFE!

Oh, the way you put things... I've never heard such beautiful words!

My words melt to nothingness in the heat of your glory! Oh, pain! This love, it can never be...

But why? Listen, I get off at six, and maybe we could meet for a drink and...

The agony of never climbing in your mountain's valleys is a pain in my insides that I cannot stand! I must go before I explode from this unhappiness within me... Goodbye, my la pollonesa.... goodbye....!

No.. please... don't leave me!

*sobbing*

Your tears are a thousand goodbyes!

*click*

*ring*

*ring*

Hello, you've reached Heaven's Main Desk. The Heavenly Father is busy right now, can I take a message?

The message I have for you is one that cannot be written except for on the notepad of eternal love!

Rick! OH MY GOD! Is it you? I thought that I'd never hear from you again and it...

Hush, hush... my love for you it burns away everything in its path!

You called me my Son?

Ummm... shit Rick it's my DAD! I gotta go... shit, shit, shit!

Wait no...!

Okay, hold on then while I...

Who are you talking to my Only Begotten One?

Mom.

What? That bitch can burn in hell for all I care!

Dad, you know it hurts me when you use language like that and...

I'm going to my den! And if anybody besides Frieda interrupts me, well, heaven help 'em because I sure as fuck won't!

FRIEDA!

Yes, mein Got?

My den NOW!

Vell... I don't know...

The Lord YOUR God commands it! So sayeth... and... get the frick... arruuughghh!

Shit, I really do have to go now Rick!

But Jesus...

No really, I have to go. I can't take cleaning up after another one of his episodes. It totally compromises my morals. Bleh. Call back tomorrow...

Kisses!

*click*

Rick does the hanging up... RICK does the HANGING UP! RICK DOES THE HANGING...

*ring*

*ring*

No I won't call back tomorrow you fringhalita, pah!

Rick! No, I didn't mean it I swear!

Dick?

Who else would it be calling you at this time of night?

Ummm... no one... errrr, your love is like the water in my soul that keeps it afloat on the sea of el amore?

Rick, what is this that you do to me? I feel so...

Yeah, about that. I forgot to mention something to you before.

What is it? Do you need me to invade any one?

The way you joke at me, no... no... (ahem) nothing like that.
It's just that...Dick...

Yes, my little frijole?

I'm a lesbian.

GOD! Not another one! First my daughter and now...!

You called? SHIT, not this fucking...

Please, no... do not sorrow over what cannot be.
My love is still for Dick, I MEAN, for you...
Dick, our love is true it just cannot be...
so, I'd umm...better, yeah...

Gotta go.

*click*

Pull yourself together, Dick... Be a man!
You can do so much better!

Yes, SIR!

*muffled sobbs*

Now, I've got us some prime pieces, you game?

I don't know, SIR!

Oh, you'll know soon enough boy!
Listen and learn...
listen and learn...

*ring*

*ring*

Yes?

*giggles*

Wait, Dick!
Hold up... I THINK there are TWO of 'em!
Girl on Girl action is soooo HOT right now, yo.

I don't know God. I mean you are all knowing and...

Shut up Dick, this is getting good.
So, ladies, this is your Jehovah calling...

We always KNEW that you'd call!

*giggle*
*giggle*

You don't say!
Well, now, Heaven's on the line and it's time to...

DAD! KNOCK IT OFF!

Fuck... gotta go.

*click*

Eat My Dust!

2005-02-21T00:36:00.000-08:00

*ring ring*

'Shit man, pick up man, shit fuckin' shit!'

*ring ring*

'Ya Hello you've reached (singing) Lester Lester Vo Vester Banana Fanna Fo Fester Mee My Mo Mester... Lester.'

'Lester, it's me Gabe. Dude you didn't take any of that shit we bought off of Marcy yet, did you?'

'I had a a couple of stems and a few caps like twenty minutes ago. Why do you ask young Gabriel my travelling companion?'

'I ate half of mine with some Doritos and I've got a bad feeling... Shit's getting weird.'

Oh, Doritos, yeah, to kill that crap taste. That's smart. Mine tasted like I was felching a cow. I still can't believe we paid 400 dollars for stuff that grows in their shit.
*snorty laughter*

'Wow. I shit you not right now my remote control just got up and is crawling around like a big roach. It's Weird City.'

'Neverfuckingmind that, Lester. I think the mushrooms were laced or dusted with something, man. I'm starting to really freak out here. How much did you take?'

'I skipped breakfast so I got hungry and ate a few. Maybe, like, three or four.... fourteen. Yeah, it was definitely fourteen. I remember cause that was how many I had all together. Check this. I'm watching the fucking Little Rascals, right now. It works on so many levels, man. I fucking dig Spanky man, he is the balls man. Love him. I FUCKING LOVE YOU SPANKY! WOOO!'

'Less... You ate the your whole fucking bag?! I'm gonna call Marcy. Don't leave your house.'

*click*

*ring ring*

'Marcy here, how's it hanging, puppy dog?'

'Marcy, listen it's Gabe. Those schrooms you sold us were fucking tainted. Lester ate his whole bag and I had some too. I'm freaking out here. What the fuck was in those?!'

'Gabriel, my man, settle your ass down there, pencil dick.'

'My face is starting to look all fucking fucked-looking. Like, lizard scales and distorted. It's not a happy floaty feeling like you said, Marcy. It's fucking scary. I'm freaking out. Shhhhssshhh! I think there's something watching me from behind my mirror.'

'Whoa, whoa. Ease up. This shit's gonna pass. Trust me this is your little sister talking. Just relax. Have a glass of milk to settle your stomach and enjoy the trip. Don't fight it, you have to go with the flow, bro.'

'You sure. Cause it looks like the flesh on my hands is starting to flake off. Is that part of the flow?'

'Um.... Have some chocolate milk. I'm gonna make a quick call and ring you right back, okay?'

'Okay, but hurry cause the phone is starting to melt a little bit.'

'Um... Okaaay, just try and relax big bro.'

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

'Ging- gang-gong you can suck Maurice's hairy schlong. Wha- Who the fuck is this?'

'It's Marcy. Listen up douche bag. What the fuck was in that batch of Schrooms you sold me?!'

Dag it. Jesus, sweet thing. I'm a god damn business man. I gave you prime fucking shit. Those were Hawaii's finest magic mushrooms. I swearz. Motherfuckin' Beagle Scout's honor n' shit.

What are you wearin right now?'

'Don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's raining, you white trash junkie fuckstain. You tell me what was in there.'

'I don't know why you're getting upset Marcy babes. I gave you a sweet deal and I didn't even charge you nuthing' extra cuz I'm sweet on you. I mean that shit was potent. Plus that big ass bag of motherfucking fungus had motherfucking sentimetal value motherfucker. That was coated something fierce in Angle Dust and Mescaline. That was the last thing my uncle ate before he accidentally fell off the roof wearing that homemade birdsuit. It's all I have to remember him by. You know except for the birdsuit. But that shit don't flatter my skin tone.'

'SHUT IT, Maurice! I suggest that you find somebody to feed your fucking cat because when I find you you're not going to be around to do it. When they do your autopsy they're going to find shards of your teeth and skull buried up your ass.'

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

'Gabe, are you there?'

'Hey Marcy, thank God it's you. Things were getting really insane. I was really losing it bad for a while. The fucking stereo tried to bite me! But now I'm taking breaths again and just keeping calm by looking at myself in the mirror.

*deep breath* It's really quite soothing.'

'...Yeah. Good. That's good Gabe. You're a good boy. Listen, I'm gonna drive over there as fast as I -- as soon as I can. There's no problem all is well. Do you think you can force yourself to gag and vomit?!'

'I guess so. Why? Is something wrong?'

'Not at all. Just as long and you can induce vomiting. Understand. Now it was just you and Lester that ate the stuff right? Good. I'm gonna hang up. Don't forget you have to drink some castor oil or anything so you can puke some of that shit out of your system. No knives, and stay off the roof. See you soon.'

'Okay. Bye, Marcy. I love you. *click*

Hello. Wait Marcy. I forgot I did gave a half ounce to Mom and her boyfriend Earl. Marcy? I better call them. Fuck, what letters do I dial? Cool numbers, even better. Okay speed dial. Here we go.'

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*rrring rrrrring*

*rrrrrrriiing rrrrriiiinnngg*

*blllrrrriiiinnnnngggggggg glblurglurblurllllrrrriiiiiiiiiggggggg*

'Hellllloooooo... Stark residence.'

'Oh Mom. Thank God! Are you okay?!'

Of course Gabes, it's just me and Earl and the baby. We're all relaxing.
(covers phone, to baby) Sweetie, stay away from those giant slugs on the wall. I don't want you to dirty your new pajamas. Gabe honey, I have to go, we're being summoned to a swirling portal. Momma loves you. Bye sugar bugar.'

*click*

'Wait!... Hello?! Hello?!! Mom, what baby? You don't have a baby.

Oh shit, Lester, I gotta call Lester back he ate his whole bag. Find your hand then find your finger and dial the number. Nice and easy.'

*dials*

*ring ring*

'Jeez, Lester where are you man? Pick up.'

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

'Hello, this is the Sherriff!'

*HIDEOUS SHRIEKS and SCREAMS*

'AAHHHHHHHHHH!' WHAT THE HELL! Dude. Who is this? You almost scared me to death.'

'Death? I think you're right. I think she's going to kill me, man. HELP ME, LESTER! '

*rapid breathing*

'Lester, I think she's gone now man. She was just at the window. She must be trying to get in. Her eyes. I saw her eyes. Her eyes were dead, man. I saw pure evil behind her eyes. Hold on, I'm gonna look out the window.'

'Okay, I don't see her out there now.'

'I'm gonna go get a knife from the kitchen before she can get me. Lester, she wants to eat my soul, man! I need to get to the top of the pyramid and release the dove to the Sun God. It's the only way.'

*manic running up stairs*

'I made it. I'm on the very top of the pyramid now. I'm going to release my life blood and essence and pour it into the dove. I won't let that witch-devil devoure my eternal SOUL!'

*SHRIEK OF PAIN*

'You'll never get me you banshee of Lucifer! I leap off this pyramid and the Dove will carry my soul.'

*Hollow thuds of heavy footsteps on a roof.*

'Ow, it's blood. There's so much blood. I've never seen so much blood. I think it's my blood.'

*CHILLING SCREAM*

*Leaping*

*A final extended SCREAM that ends in a...*

*THUD*

'Dude, there's no Lester here. I think maybe you dialed the wrong number. Also. No offense, or anything, but I'm trying to kick back with my bong... and you're sending out kind of a negative vibe.' You know?....Hello?...'

*Doorbell*

'...Anyway, I gotta go. Sounds like my pizza's here.'
*click*

0055-CANDY

2005-02-20T15:46:00.001-08:00

"So anyway, I'm like...listen here bitch, y'all got to make up your mind because I'm not gonna wait around forever you know...

"uh-huh"

"I mean, I really like her you know but..."

"uh-huh...oh fuck man, there's readers..."

"Shit...JESUS CHRIST MAN! help me I'm stuck in a Phone Booth and there's a guy trying to kill me..."

"Ok, listen man...whatever you do DON'T hang up the phone"

"But I wanna do poopy"

"Dude....too much information man...I gotta go....I need to call Candy anyway..."

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Hi, you've reached Candy. Candy likes to talk dirty, Candy like it when you talk dirty to her. Candy wants cock so bad, Candy needs it now baby, spank Candy, hurt Candy, fuck Candy from behind baby, rape Candy, please, please...Candy will beg for your cock, Candy will do anything you want, give it to Candy now. Candy wants you to turn her around, rub your hands all over Candy, spread her wide open, split her apart, pinch Candy's nipples as you bite her neck and slide into her all heat and passion and hard baby, Candy wants it real hard, cum for Candy baby, cum for me, cum all over Candy baby...COVER CANDY IN CUM BABY!"

"Hi Candy, it's me"

"Oh...Hey Mom, How are you?"

"Ok dear, it's always nice to hear your voice...."

"You too Mom. How's Dad?"

"You know Dad..."

"Yeah...Candy put this in your mouth before daddy spanks you!"

"Hahahaha...yeah...."

"yeah...."

"Yeah....."

"Yeah....

"Yeah....."

"Yeah....

"Yeah....."

"Yeah....

"Yeah....."

"Yeah....ok Mom, well I better get back to work you know..."

"Yeah....."

"Yeah......."

"Yeah....."

*beep beep*

"Ok Mom, I've got to go, there's another call...I'll speak to you soon ok?"

"Yeah....."

*click*

"Hi, you've reached Candy. Candy likes to talk dirty, Candy like it when you talk dirty to her. Candy wants cock so bad, Candy needs it now baby, spank Candy, hurt Candy, fuck Candy from behind baby, rape Candy, please, please...Candy will beg for your cock, Candy will do anything you want, give it to Candy now...GIVE IT TO CANDY NOW! GIVE ME THAT COCK!"

[candycandycandycandycandy]

"Hello? You're voice is breaking up baby...do you want some of my sweet Candy?"

[candycandycandycandycandy]

"Yeah....right....I'm Candy. What's your name baby?""

[CANDY!CANDY!CANDY!CANDY!CANDY!CANDY!]

*beep beep*

"look sugar, I'll just put you on hold for one moment...Candy's got to answer another call..."

[candycandycandycandycandy]

*beep*

"Hi, you've reached Candy. Candy likes to talk dirty, Candy like it when you talk dirty to her. Candy wants cock so bad, Candy needs it now baby, spank Candy, hurt Candy, fuck Candy from behind baby, rape Candy, please, please...Candy will beg for your cock, Candy will do anything you want, give it to Candy now...GIVE IT TO CANDY NOW! GIVE ME THAT COCK!"

"banana!"

"Yeah...I want your banana baby...give me your banana!"

"EEEEEEE! MY BANANA!"

"Yeah...I want your banana baby...give me your banana!"

"EEEEEEE! MY BANANA!MY BANANA!!!"

"Yeah...I'm gonna take your banana baby, take it in my pussy"

"......."

"is that what you want baby? You want your banana in my pussy? In my arse? Yeah baby, push it in, push that banana all the way in!"

".......my banana?"

*beep beep*

"hang on baby..."

"eeeek!"

*beep*

"Hi, you've reached Candy. Candy likes to talk dirty, Candy like it when you talk dirty to her. Candy wants cock so bad, Candy needs it now baby, spank Candy, hurt Candy, fuck Candy from behind baby, rape Candy, please, please...Candy will beg for your cock, Candy will do anything you want, give it to Candy now. Candy wants you to turn her around, rub your hands all over Candy, spread her wide open, split her apart, pinch Candy's nipples as you bite her neck and slide into her all heat and passion and hard baby, Candy wants it real hard, cum for Candy baby, cum for me, cum all over Candy baby...COVER CANDY IN CUM BABY!"

"Yeah....."

"Mom! I'm trying to work..."

"Yeah....."

*beep beep*

"I've got to go mom..."

*click*

"Yeah it's motherfucking Candy, I'm licking your balls..."

"This is television's Eric Estrada and Eric wants...you!"

"Hey Eric, well baby, Candy wants you too baby..."

"You! Eric wants......YOU!"

"I want you too baby, I want you now..."

"Eric Estrada! Eric Estrada wants...YOU!"

"Jesus Eric...c'mon..."

"Eric Estrada wants....Eric Estrada wants....oh Candy, Eric Estrada wants his ole life back you know? Eric feels lonely and disenfranchised..."

"What about the Chips remake Eric? You know...you've got that to look forward to...A feature movie!"

"No, agent told Eric Estrada that the project had been shelved, afte that crappy remake of Starsky and Hutch..."

"Yeah...."

"Yeah....."

"MOM! GET OFF THE LINE!"

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"It's Candy..."

"Tony?"

"No sugar, it's CANDY..."

"....."

"Candy sugar, Candy can do whatever you want her to..."

"......Tony? Can Tony come out to pway?"

"Who's Tony baby, tell Candy who Tony is...?

"Me touch Tony now...Tony stands up straight! ATTENTION!"

"Oh....right....Do you want Candy to kiss Tony?"

"You kiss Tony, Tony will spit in your eye! He gots a funny helmet on...ATTENTION!"

"I'm kissing Tony now sugar, rubbing his little helmet..."

"Sometimes Mommy won't let Tony come out to pway....but I tells mommy, Tony my soldier! I wike pwaying with soldier Tony.....ATTENTION!"

*click*

"Sometimes I wish Mommy would pway with Tony too...Mommy always makes Tony stand up wike a widdle Soldier! ATTENTION!"

"GEORGE DUBYA BUSH, WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU DOING?"

"................yes if congress will only ratify that Bill in their next sitting then we can move forward with the invasion, hopefully as early as next week...."

"What the hell you talking about sugar, don't you want to stick little soldier Tony in Candy's foxhole?"

"WHO IS THAT WHORE? GEORGE DUBYA BUSH, YOU ARE IN EXTREME TROUBLE YOUNG MAN! Oh...wait a moment...."

"Bye Colin...same time next week...don't wear anything too....complicated..."

"Mommy?"

"YOU STAY ON THIS LINE YOUNG MAN, I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU....AS FOR YOU YOUNG LADY, YOU HANG UP THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY, NO SLEAZY TRAMP IS GOING TO PLAY WITH MY BUSH!"

"Suck my fuck Crack Whore, I'm gone..."

*click*

"Mommy?"

"Mommy?"

"Mommy?"

"Yes baby...Mommy's here. Is Tony gone?"

"No Mommy, Tony stand up straight like a good widdle soldier! ATTENTION!"

"Excellent..."

A Five Letter Word For...

2005-02-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

*ring ring*

"Hello, you've reached the The White House. This is Freida speaking, how can I help you?"

"Hello?...."

"Freida, it's G. Dubya. I've got me a matter of imminent urgency. I need to speak with the President of the United States."

"....But, sir, I'm a little confused because you--

"God Damn it, Freida! It's urgenful that I speak with the President of the United States right now. If not sooner. Patch me through to his Direct Hotline. Do it!"

"Yes, whatever you say, sir."

"Good, now we're making progress." *ring* *ring* "Hold on Freida, that stupid red phone on my desk is ringing again. It'll have to wait. Have you reached the President?

Well... it's ringing, but there's no answer. Also, sir. May I remind you that you are the President.

"Wh-- Ohhh. Yeah... Uhh...... Um..... Good job Freida. You passed that test with flying colors. It's a proud day for America. That's exactly the kind of confusion that the terrorists may unleash upon us."

"Yes, Mr. President. Can I be of any further assistance?"

"Yes, I need you to contact Captain America! He'll know the answer. Patch me through."

* ring ring *

* ring ring *

...Hello?... I wike ice cream. Do you wike ice cream?

"Yes, Captain, with all my heart. Look, it's G. Dubya, here."

"I wike to eat swaberry and, and... and, bwanilla."

"Hmmm... My record shows that I am a staunch advocate of Orange Sherbert. Now Captain, listen carefully. I need yer help to--"

(Singing) "I squeam for ice cream. Yummy Nummy ice cream. Mommy gets me ice cream."

"Mommy? Uh... hey lil feller... is there a big person there I can talk to?"

"Um.....................................
.............................................
.............................................
.............................................
.............................................
.............................................
I also wike Monkeys. Monkeys are funny."

"Son, please for the love of sweet liberties panties, please give the phone to a grown up. A big person."

Okey...... Does monkeys wike ice cream?

"Look kiddo, is there anybody else there?"

"Uh-huh. Yef."

"Great. Now be a good lil tyke and give them the phone."

"Hello. This is Captain America Junior!"

"What kind of retard convention have I stubled into?! Christ on a cracker! Put a grown up on the FUCKING phone!"

"Hello? Who the hell is this?"

"This is Big Dubya. I need to speak to Captain America ma'am. I need him. America needs him, pronto."

"Oh, you can just fuck off. America this America that. I hear enough of that shit from my husband. I am so sick of it. I ask him, "When are you going to clean up that filthy garage?" And he pulls that same lame excuse out of his ass. (Mocking) "Right after I protect America's Freedom and Justice, honey bunch." Then he sneaks over to Thor's house, gets stoned and they play Grand Theft Auto for six hours."

"Cool, I played that at Tony Blair's house. Er-- Sorry, ma'am is he there, Mrs. America?"

"No. He's not reachable. He went off bass fishing with The Hulk. And besides my husband isn't bailing you out anymore. By the way, we voted for Ralph Nader. So you can just go slam your scrotum in car door!"

*click*

Hello? Mrs. America?.... Hello?.... Galloping gonads! Freida, you there?

Yes, sir?

"I'm all riled up. I need ta blow off some steam."

"Excellent. Let me just pop my dentures out and I'll be right in to polish your presidential knob."

"Perfect... Eww. No, wait, that's all wrong. Uh, who's that new receptionist we hired? Short brown hair, nice smile, full pouty lips, young perky boobies?"

"Oh, you mean Alexis?"

"Bingo. Lemme speak to her."

"Thank you for calling the White House. Where can I direct your complaint?"

"Hiya, Alexis, this is your Commander in Chief. The big boss man."

"Mr. President it's an honor, sir. Where may I direct your call?"

Yeah, direct my call and then direct your tight little tushy into my oval office.

"Sir! I'm not sure I understand what you're asking."

"I'm not askin', I'm tellin'! Hustle your tail feathers downta my office or yer fired. Got it!?"

"Yes, sir... I'm afraid I do."

"Don't be afraid yet, you haven't seen my pocket rocket. You know, everything from Texas comes big, baby."

*gulp*

"But first get me Spiderman."

"Right away."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

"I have the President of the United States calling for Spiderman."

"Spiderman? Oh, he's in the shower, right now? Can he, like, call you back?"

"M-kay, it's important."

"Okay, dude. Chill it out. I'm not gonna walk in on him while he's in shower."

"No, 'course not. That'd be a pretty gay thing to do."

"Duh, that's why I'm not gonna get him."

"Don't you, "DUH" me you fucknut. I'll stick an F-16 up your ass! I'll put it on speaker phone, go get him right now, you gaylord."

*click*

'Time to hail to the Chief darlin'

'I'm on my way.' *click*

.
.
.
.
.
*knock knock*

"I'm here Mr. President?"

"Alexis, have you been a bad little girl?"

"What? Oh... Uh... yes, I'm a naughty girl, sir."

"Well, your Dubya Daddy is very mad at you."

"Hey GW it's Spidey, you called?

*SMACK*

*SMACK*

*SMACK*

"And that's for causing trouble in the Middle East..."

*SMACK*

(Muffled) "Ow! Ow! I'm sorry I let Bin Laden escape."

*SMACK*

"Oh yeah. Who drops the Biiigggg Bombs, yeah... Say it! Say my name!"

*SMACK*

"Ahem, ahem. Mr. President?..."

*SMACK*

"Ow! Big Daddy Bush."

*SMACK*

"OH... OOW! OH YEAH! BIG DADDY BUSH HAS THE BIG BIG BOMBS!"

"GEORGE!"

"Huh? Spidey?... Is that you?"

"You dragged me out of the shower. I was exfoliating. What do you need?"

"Well howdy there ya wall crawlin' sonofabitch! You surprised me."

"Speak up. I can barely hear you."

"I'm doing a crossword, you know fer boostin' my vocaberlary."

"Yeah and..."

"There, that's better. So... I'm stuck on just number 3 across. "A five letter word for dullard." And I already tried the word Liberal, but it's got too many letters. Stoopid Liberals"

"A crossword puzzle. That's why you called me? I thought you'd been kidnapped or some serious shit!"

"Spidey, it's very important. Dick Cheney said, if I finish the crossword puzzle, without calling the CIA for help, then he'll take me out for Chuck E. Cheese Pizza."

"Idiot."

*SLAM*

*dail tone*

"Idiot?! How dare he. Let's see how that web slinging helps him when I drop a nookyalur bomb on that Spider Shack. Idiot... You're the idiot... Wait... Idiot. Five letter word for dullard. I.D.I.O.T.. It fits! God bless you, Spiderman."

"Freida, I need you to dig up one of those Presidential Medals of Honor er sumthin' for Spidey. Oh, and tell Cheney, it's Pizza Time."

"Yes sir. Very good."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Sherriff here. Whassup?"

"Honey, how would you like a long, hot n' juicy, slick n' sloppy, nothing-but-gums blow job?...."

"Whoa........................"

The Mighty Boosh

2005-02-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"

"Yo my blood, it's Rufus man, whatchoo doin all hoitey toitey answering that tele-phown y'all?"

"Ay nigger! Shee-it! Youse all gots to be crackers diallin' me here, you know dat damn Sergeant gonna pickle my nigger ass he catch me on the line to you again. Sheee-it"

"Dat Fat Ten Sandwhich Eatin' Sergeant can shizzle my dizzle motherfucker! Y'all know I opened a can o' whipass on his behind done ten years ago now. Besides Holmie, I knows you just sittin' there looking at them skinnies on yo' 'puter screen again, put that shit back in yo' pants. It's embarrassing man, how'my s'posed to talk with y'all when you playing the upsies downsies on yo' teeny lil alabama black snake? Sheee-it"

*ziiip*

"That's right my blood. Now listen here, because yo' Uncle Rufey gots some prime piece o' action and he needs yo' skills. You in?"

"Anythang for you R to the U Fee, You just say the word."

"Word. Sweet dawg, I'll talk to you later."

*click*

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"

"Jesus christ, help me...some guy with a sniper rifle is trying to kill me. He won't let me off the phone..."

"Eh? Fuck you man, I'm working here, I gots my OWN motherfucking problems you hear? YOU take that motherfucking phone and you stick it right up yo' skinny little..."

*ring ring*

"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"

"Honey? Is that you? I got a headache again..."

"Shit Bitch! I told you not to call me here! I gonna come down there and..."

*ring ring*

"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"

"WAINWRIGHT! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE MAKING PERSONAL CALLS. GET BACK TO WORK. THIS COUNTRY IS AT WAR DO YOU HEAR ME?? WHAT IF THE PRESIDENT TRIED TO CALL? YOU HANG UP THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY, YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yes SIR! I'm sorry SIR!"

*click*

"motherfucking President gonna call, suck my dick honky..."

*ring ring*

"Mother-fucker..."

"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"

"Yeah...I'm hard baby, I'm so fucking hard...Daddy likes it when you fuck him with that strap on baby..."

"Motherfucker! What the fuck you doin? This ain't no motherfucking sex line bitch, get the fuck outta my face..."

"Now, listen here Son, do you know who you're talking to? You've got the President on the line here."

"..........."

"Now you listen very carefully son, Daddy's gonna talk, and you're gonna like it. You hearing me?"

"grrrr.....YES.......SIR!"

"That's right...Now you just get down on your knees and get yo' self a taste of the George Dubya Boosh..."

"Yes....sir....I'm licking your balls sir"

"Oh yeah, dubya like that boy, now cup those balls and work that shaft boy"

"Yes....sir....you got motherfucking big balls sir"

"Yeah....that's what my mommy says too..."

"Ewwww man, ain't no motherfucking job worth this shit, suck MY dick cracker!"

"Oh yeah, Daddy gonna cum you keep talking like that boy....Daddy gonna....Daddy gonna..."

"Hey fuck you cracker..."

*click*

*ring ring*

"Who the fuck this? I ain't no motherfucking Corporal no more, I get the fuck outta this fucked up joint!"

"Hey man, it's me."

"Hey Rufus, shit man, this motherfucking phone, it's like a bitches butt that just won't quit"

"Yeah man, whatever. Look G, you gots to listen very motherfucking carefully to what I say ya hear?"

"I hear ya, I hear ya, don't go all seismic on a nigger blood..."

"Good...listen man, I want you to get on down.....and work my motherfucking shaft and cup my motherfucking balls..."

"......"

"You gots to do it for the FAMILY man...you gots to do it for Uncle Rufus, y'all hearing me?"

"Okay Rufus, I'm working your motherfucking shaft...I'm cupping yo' motherfucking balls"

"Yeah boy, that's what Mommy does for me..."

"Mommy? Hey who the fuck is this man, this ain't no Uncle Rufus?"

"No nigger it IS me...yo' Uncle Rufus...I swear...now...y'all get that strap on handy and give it to me...GIVE IT TO ME!!!"

"Man, I gotta call the Sherriff..."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Sheriff here, what you want?"

"MAN...you thought YOU had some motherfucking strange phone calls G, I gots the motherfucking President on the phone wanting me to fuck that little cracker in the bee-hind with a motherfucking Hello Kitty Strap On. WHATS A NIGGER TO DO MAN?"

"You came to the right place my man...patch that shit through to me..."

*click*

*beeeep*

"Mommy...Mommy...Dubya likes that Mommy.....Hello? Is anybody there?"

"Just you hang on a minute there Mr Dubya sir, we're just patching you through to an appropriate operator...."

"Oh yeah....is it mommy? Dubya wants to feed it to mommy..."

*click*

*beep beep*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

Did I ASK You To Call Me Up?

2005-02-17T14:04:00.000-08:00

*ring*

*ring*

Be the sale. BE the sale.

*ring*

*ring*

Come on. Pick up.

Yes?

Oh, great! I'm calling to in form you of a valuable service...

Did I ASK you to call me up?
Wait, what's that on my left voluptuous-ness?
It itches real bad... ah, now it's stuck up in my nail!

Umm...
I don't know, and I'm sorry for your discomfort, but there's a fantastic opportunity that I'd like to inform you about!

I don't NEED your fantastic...
I got enough fantastic of my own.
Damn, I'm feelin' a bit...

*rustle*

*thud*

That's better!
My fantastics got a whole lotta weight to 'em, if you know what I mean...

No, I don't know what you mean.

Mmmm... hmmmm......

What's that supposed to mean?

In any case...

Hold up there, did you just "in any case me"? Girl... you'd better...

Umm... no, I ummm.... said.... errr.... You have a pretty face?

How do you know that?
Are you some kinda lesbo snatch catcher?
I'm tired of all ya'll honky bitches trying to rub all up on my fantastics...
These is MAN catchers, not hippie feeders, yo.

I'm not a hippie!
Wait, I'm not gay either...!

MMmmmm..... HHHHmmmm....

Stop doing that, and no really... I'm not!

Well, there was that one time, at Melanea's Dirty Dancing slumber party...
You know that movie right?

"Nobody puts baby in a corner..."
Well, baby got cornered that night...
but I was REALLY drunk.... and...

Hey, but this is not why I'm calling you today.

*deep breath*

I'm calling to inform you about the once in a lifetime opportunity to receive...

He he he... Mmmmm....hmmmm......

Wait, hold up.

I've gotta...

*thwap*

*pant*

*smack*

Phew, that's better.
I tell you, these man catchers be fine and all that but they takes A LOT of work!
No foolin'.

What are man catchers?

Listen up hippie, if I gotta tell you what catches a man then you don't need to know.
It's on a strictly NEED TO KNOW basis only.
Yep that's right, so go do your little goddess dancin' or whatever it is that you snatchy hippie chicks do with each other under a full moon, 'cause I don't want none of it.

I was raised GOD FEARIN' and god don't like hippies!

mmmm....

Whatever I gots up in this nail is awfully....

Alright, so, I think we've wandered off a bit...
Time Life is offering you the chance to...

I'd say so, now, what's with you all gettin' up on my fantastics like that?
I'm not gonna take it!
IT'S harassment.
THAT'S what it is!
Harassment!

Let me talk to yo' supervisor...
Now!

FINE!!!!

Here....!

Phil... it's for you...

Yes, I'm the evening shift supervisor.
How can I be of assistance?

Ooooohhh...
So, you're a manager?
That's a real powerful position iddn't it?

Yes ma'am it is.
How can I help you?

Well, yeah...
This here little bull dyke hippie you got working for you has been trying to touch up on my bobblies!

Over the phone?

Is that even possible?

And..hehehe... she's not so little... hehehe.

Well now, don't you snip at me...

She IMPLIED it.

And I tell you... if I were trying to run a comp'ny...
I wouldn't allow some fugly assed hippie to...

Huh? What do you mean I'm not little?
Shit, my ass IS huge!
Why didn't anyone ever tell me?

*sobbing*

Well, if you'd only watch your grazing in the employee lounge...

Those petunias add on the saddle bags....

*whinny*

*snort*

hehehehehe

You know I can't help that!

*sobbing*

Wait, did you just make horsey noises at me? You little....

Girl, get a hold of yo' self.
I can'ts stand me no whiny honkies!
Damn, this nail is almost as tasty as one of my fantastics...!
Hmmm, that gots me thinking...

hmmm....

I wonder....

let me just move...

Let me put yo' ass on speaker phone, as I gots my hands filled... hehehe

What's this now?
Heeeyyy, hello there ladies!

Hi... We've been waiting for you....

I wondered why my finger tasted like... hehehehee.... shuga.

I hate to interrupt... but did you just say sugar?
I hope that you are not talking about PROCESSED sugar...
That stuff's poison for your body!

What?
Who in the good god damn, sorry Lord, is this?
Are you another damn dirty hippie?
Sheeit!

Can we focus please.
What can we do to make things better for you?

Well, I could use a job.

Deal.
Uni, you're FIRED!

What?
I have a motherfucking PhD in Clinical Psychology!
You can't fire me!
I quit!

Dirty naked hippies!
Ratty bosses!
Crazy ass callers!

Screw you all!

*canters off*

Wow. So much negativity.
I can already feel the energy returning now that she's gone!
Blessed Gia and her restorative powers!
Why, it reminds me of when I was solo survivalist camping out in Devil's Crotch Canyon when this lone wolf...

Devil's Crotch, eh? I've been there... hehehe

Eww... gross....

I'll show you gross... now where's a reflective surface when you need one?

You're just intimidated by my natural beauty...

No, I'm just freaked out by your excessive body odor!

Phil...
Mingy is damaging my self esteem!
Come make him stop!

Stop it you guys!
Be professionals!

Now, what was this about you wanting a job?
When can you start?

Not until I'm done with my friends here.
Hows about tomorrow?

Yippie!

Great! Tomorrow it is... Miss.... sorry, what's your name again?

SHANIQUA, fool!

Shh... girls! Be polite like to my new boss man!

Okay, Shanandra come on over tomorrow and we'll see where we can place you... or put you...
I mean, in the office...
um... yeah, gotta go.

*click*

Crazy cracka. See if I don't gets me a RAISE before long... hehehe

*giggle*

*giggle*

Now, girls, get up on over here...
mmmm....

snack time.

*shreak*

*giggles*

*cut to the office*

Mingly, come and pay attention to me!
Do you think we have them fooled?
You know, what with the fake fighting and all?

Sheet girl!
Let me finish up this call.
Yeah, yeah, we've fooled 'em.

Ahem, sorry about that Sir... now can I sign you up for the....

*click*

Fucking punter!
Hanging up on the Mingler!

Ah, baby.
It's alright.
You'll make a sale eventually.

Don't fucking patronize me woman!

Don't be verbally aggressive with me!

*sniffles*

Baby, sugar, honey... I'm sorry!
No, don't cry.
I can't take it....

*sobbing*

You don't love me...
You only pretend!

*waaahhhh*

That's not true!
You know I love you!

What more do I gotta do to prove it?

Well, we could do that one thing... you know...

No, no... not that!
You know I'm claustrophobic...
Please anything but that!

Obviously YOU JUST DON'T LOVE ME!

*WWaaaaHHH*

Alright!
Sheeit I'll do it... but not for long!

Dammit...
It's sooo.....

eerrrr.....

*gagging*

oohhhh....
baby...

I'm done!
Let me out!

Just a little bit longer...
Please?
uummmm....

No!
I want out NOW!

*sigh*

Fine.
There you go.
You're out, you big baby!

*shuddering*

God, the dank horror of it all!
Madre de Dios!
What have I become....?

What the...!
What's going on here?
Why I never!
I'm at a loss for words!
The absolute inappropriateness of it all....
I outta....

Umm... we'll be going now.
Come on honey.

Don't honey me.
I feel so....

DIRTY...

BLEH...

Yeah, well...
I'll see you sick fucks tomorrow.
For shame!

And turn off the damn lights when you leave this time.
I'm not putting the electric company's debutante kids through prep school here!

Are they gone?

*looks around*

hehehehe

suckas....

*turns off security camera*

Hippies really are DIRTY!

heehehehehehehehehhehheheheeeeheheeeeee!

*FROM DEEP OUT IN SPACE*

Ah, it's over all ready?
heheehe... stupid, stupid, dirty hoors!

What else is on?
Let's check Sherriff's house....
Golden!

You get the popcorn.
This is gonna be good.

Move over!
You're hogging the seat you Ass Invader.

Sheeit, shut yo' mouth fool.
I head that Shaniqua is going to be there.

Wait, I thought her name was Shanandra?

Shut yo' fool mouth!
I'm hungry.... yeah, hehehe snack time!

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

Punk ass kids not answerin' the phone!
Stop picking yo' face in the bathroom...

*ring*

About time you picked up!
Sheeit... this is Domino's right?
You still deliver? Damn right you do.

Tell 'em not to forget the motherfucking breadsticks this time!

Okay.
Shit head, that's right, 30 minutes or it's free. And don't forget the sticks, yo.
We're watching...

Yeah, and listening....

hehehehehehheheheeeee

So, what do you think Shanadrika is up to?

Who?

You know... the one with the fantastics? hehehe

Let's check.

*click*

Orbital

2005-02-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

*ring ring*

"Yo!"

*beep*

"Hey man, same to you fucknose!"

*beep*

"Hey, who is this?"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....Hello? Hello? Who iz zis?"

"You gots the Sherrif on the line baby, and once you gots the Sherriff on the line..."

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....Hello? Hello? Houston?"

"Not Houston fool, Sherriff!"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....Zis is Space Station Knokitof VE are in urgent need of assistance. Ve are Russian"

"I hear ya man, I'm rushing too, and I only had half a pill...sheee-it!"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....Ve do not understand. Ve are RUSSIAN..."

"Well motherfuckers, slow the hell down yo! Sheee-it!"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff........Iz there anyone else we can talk to?"

"Okay, okay...just winding you up. What's going on up there man? Motherfucking SPACE STATION! Woohoo! Hey...Can you see the great wall of China?"

"pffffffffffffffffffff.........No ve can't. Why?"

"Ah...never mind. What seeems to be the problem comrades?"

"Pfffffffffffffffff....Ve urgently need assisstance. Do you happen to have ze phone number of Chewbacca? He may be able to help us, do you have it?"

"Maybe..."

"Pfffffffffffffffff...............Vell?"

"Well motherfucker...what the fuck yo is in it for me? You hear what I am saying?"

"Pfffffffffffffffff..............."

*whispering in background*

"........."

"Pfffffffffffffffff...............Ve hear you like the lezbians no? How about we give you Tatu's phone number."

"Motherfucker's got yo'self a deal. Tatu! Woohoo! Hang on, I want try it first, make sure you all ain't putting the pudding on me. Gimme 5, ok?"

"Pfffffffffffffffff...............Ok"

*ring ring*

ring ring*

"Hello? Tatu here"

"Hey Tatu! This here be the Sherriff y'all. I gots to go now, but I'll call you back soon okay?"

"Tehehehehe...okay sexy man. Ve vait for your call..."

'Right on. And girls?"

"Yes?"

"It's good to see your back."

*click*

"Yo Boris, you still there?"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft...............Yes, ve here now give us chewbacca's number. Quickly!"

"Okay holmes, don't get all Apollo 13 on me man. Here..."

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft...............Ok...ve ring now..."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Hello Beaver Chew Chewing Tabacca. How can I help you?"

"Pfffffffffffffffffffft.....Ve are looking for Chewbacca!"

"Well you've come to the right place, we come in Mint flavoured, Rasberry flavoured, Beef or Original. What's your poison?"

"Pfffffffffffffffffffft....."

"Hello?"

"Pfffffffffffffffffffft........Sorry, ve're a bit confused. Ve are looking for CHEWBACCA?"

"OH! CHEWBACCA. Damn it, this always happens. Hold on I've got his number here, I'll patch you through..."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Yeah Chewbacca. What do you want?"

"Pfffffffffffff......CHEWBACCA? Is this Chewbacca ze big Space Monkey?"

"MOTHERFUCKING SPACE MONKEY? SPACE MONKEY? I KICK YO SPACE MONKEY ASS YOU CALLING ME A MOTHERFUCKING SPACE MONKEY YOU HEAR ME? I AM A WOOKIE. 8 FOOT TALL AND JUST AS LONG BITCH. WOOKIE. SAY IT!"

"Pfffffffffffff......You're a Wookie"

"Say it again fool!"

"Pfffffffffffff......You're a Wookie"

"I can't hear you"

"Pfffffffffffff......YOU'RE A WOOKIE"

"That's right baby, now get on yo' hands and knees and kiss my big hairy Wookie ass"

"Pfffffffffffff......"

"I said get on yo' hands and knees and kiss my big hairy Wookie ass"

"Pfffffffffffff......mwah x mwah x"

"Okay, now what can I do ya for?

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.....Zis is Space Station Knokitof ve are in urgent need of assistance. Ve are Russian"

"Hey, I'm rushing too man and I only had half a pill yo! Sheee-it!"

"Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff....ve don't like that joke...Ve urgently need your assistance Chewbacca...Please!"

"Well, I'd love to help man, but you don't know what's going here right now. I'm so busy, I got my hands full right now, you know what I'm saying?"

"Pfffffffffffffffffff.....Chewbacca....PLEASE?"

"Sorry man, no can do. I gots to go, I can hear someone knocking at my door. See y'a ll soon."

*click*

"Now vat do ve do?"

"I don't know.....Call him again..."

"Ok...but let's finish this joint first...hehehehe"

"hehehehehe"

"hehehehehe"

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Jesus christ, help me...some guy with a sniper rifle is trying to kill me. He won't let me off the phone..."

"Pffffffffffffffft......Oops...wrong number..."

*click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"MOTHERFUCKERS I'M BUSY HERE, WHO THE FUCK CALLING ME?"

"Pffffffffffffffft......Oops...wrong number..."

*click*

"Shit. Vat now?"

"hehehehehe"

"Hey! Pass me that joint man, shit ain't no microphone!"

"Hey? Vat just happened to your Russian accent. Aren't you Russian?"

"I sure am nigger, and I only had half of this joint! Sheeee-it!"

"Hehehehehe"

"Hehehehehe"

"Ok, this iz serious, vat are we going to do?"

"Let's call zat silly Sherriff back...he is our only hope now..."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"Yo, you've reached the Sherriff and no, that ain't no pistol in my pocket..."

"Pfffffffffffffffffffffff.....Sherriff, zis is ze Space Station again."

"Hey how you guys doin? And can you stop making that stupid pffffffffffff noise?"

"Ok sorry. It's just that we're really stoned..."

"Hehehehe..."

"Hehehehe...Anyvay...Chewbacca was busy....so....ve really need your help. Will you help us?"

"Ay man...anything for a fellow toker, you know it!"

"Vunderful! Listen...ve are so stoned...ve can't open the Jam Jar, can you do it for us?"

"...................."

*click*

Butthead

2005-02-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

"BEVIS said...oh man...this is gonna be fan-fricken-fantastic. They're gonna do a phone call thing about me! I wonder what it'll be!!! It's gotta have lesbian sex, I mean it's just gotta! Fan-fricken-tastic. I mean, I hope they don't pick on me just because I like leaving long comments and called Mattyb gut-wrenchingly familiar and...and...and...oh man, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO! I'm dying here! Does Sherriff know that I've been away for ALMOST TEN MONTHS? I mean I don't even know who the fuck this Sherriff guy is! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. Bevis said....Bevis said....Ok. Bevis said that Bevis is going to dial the number now. Here we go. I'm going to dial now...hehehehehe.....FAN-FRICKEN-TASTIC!!!!! Oh and Nadine, they've gotta do a schtick about Nadine...and Fits, And...awwww...imagine a threeway with them...fan-fricken-tastic! Bevis said...here we go..."

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

"hello-si doosy?"

"Hello sir we have a collect call for you from a Bevis. Do you accept the charges?"

"No"

*click*

"BEVIS said...mother-fuckers"

Dog Day Afternoon

2005-02-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

It was early in the morning...

*ring ring*

".....yeah? Sherriff here, what do you want?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Hello?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Look dude, it's motherfucking 5 in the morning...who is this?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Fuck you, I'm hanging up"

*click*

A couple of hours later, I was making breakfast when...

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Oh man, who is this?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Look, you called me at who knows what hour this morning, whatdafuckgoingon man?"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Grrrrrrrrr"

"GRRRRRRRR"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

"AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Hmmmm"

"Herro?"

"Yo, who is this"

"Hey man, it's me Scampy."

"Hey Scampy. Listen dawg, what the fuck is with your friends man, they keep ringing me up at all hours of the night, and all they say is Grrrrrrrrr!"

"Yeah, sorry about that dude, bitches be on heat you know?"

"Well sheee-it negro, that's all you had to say! So...what can I do for you brother?"

"Listen man, I gots a problem, I gots a problem you know? I think you might be able to help me..."

"This isn't gonna be like last time is it? I told you man, only motherfucking bone you getting out of me is..."

"NO NO NO...Nothing like that champ. Look, I was lonely then okay? Five years is a long time in a relationship, especially with a bitch like that, you hear what I'm sayin?"

"Yeah I hear ya...AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hehehehehe"

"Hehehehehehe"

"Anyways, there's a big brawl going down tonight behind the Old Barn. We need all the help we can get. You in?"

"Oh maaaaan...tonight? I..."

*ring ring*

"Shit man, that's my other phone, hang on a second..."

"Hello?"

"Jesus christ, help me...some guy with a sniper rifle is trying to kill me. He won't let me off the phone..."

"Hey Col, whaddup man? Motherfucker you should read some scripts before you go off doing some whack ass shit like Alexander man..."

"Man, I ain't kidding...some crazy fucker keeps shooting at me man, says he'll kill me if I hang up the phone!"

"Yeah, you crazy man...see ya!"

"NOOOOO....."

*click*

"Scampy you there?"

"grrrrrrrrrr"

"Errr...Scampy?"

"grrrrrrrrrr"

"Oh maaan, what the fuck y'all doin over there?"

"grrrrrrrrrr"

*sigh*

*ring ring*

"Yello?"

"Sherriff, where my Scampy, you know where my Scampy is? Don't you go lying to me boy...I KNOW you know where he's at. When I catch that sucker, he's gonna regret ever cross breeding with this lil ole bitch. I give HIM the motherfucking DOG house you hear me?"

"Oh, hey Matilda...errr...hang on a second, I've just got someone on the other line..."

"Scampy...Scampy you ribald motherfucker, get your ass on the line, it's Matilda man She's tongueing for a blue yo!"

"grrrrrrrrrr"

"Shit"

[In dog voice] " Herro Matilda, I've been having a nice time with Sherriff. I be home soon enough deary"

"......."

[In dog voice] "yep just me and Sherriff, chewing the fat..."

"grrrrrrrrrr"

"WHAT WAS THAT? THAT'S YOU SCAMPY I KNOW IT'S YOU, BOY WHEN I CATCH YOU I'M GONNA POUND YOUR ASS SO GOOD!"

"grrrrrrrrrr"

*ring ring*

"Yeah?"

"Yo...it's me. Whatcha doon?"

"Heyyyyy! Good to hear from you. Man I could sure go some pussy right now..."

"Well how does pussy and a beer in front of the Telo-Vision sound honey?"

"I see you soon baby."

*click*

Kitten Kaboodle

2005-02-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

...Well how am I supposed to feel? I feel really hurt, you know? Rejected.

Listen, Kitten, I'm sorry. What we had was very special. I'm not rejecting you. I'm taking my life in a new spiritual direction. We've grown apart over the last few weeks. I've been in search of enlightenment while you've been putting all your energy towards batting that ball of yarn around. I need more. Somebody who will challenge me as a person.

I just don't understand where this is coming from.

I feel it inside of me I need a change I'm going to Nepal. I'm need to find myself.

What? Nepal!? Great meanwhile I'm stuck here with no girlfriend the day after Valentines Day. Perfect.

Oh, Please. That's such a commercial holiday, anyway. Uch... I still can't believe you gave me pink roses. How fucking tacky is that? You don't even know me. Look I'm hanging up. Have a good life.

*Click*

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Hello?

Hey Krankster, it's Kitten Doing Push-ups. Can we talk?

Hey, Kitten Doing Push-ups! I was just about to call you.
Dude, Naked Harpie said there's gonna be a rager of a party tonight. You up for it?

Actually, Myra just broke up with me. I don't think a party is quite my speed.

Oh! Dude. Good riddance. Screw that cruncy chick and the hairy pits she rode in on. Seriously, dude, it looked like she had a vagina under each arm. Those mangy fuckers were long enough to braid into dreadlocks. You're too good for her. That acne, her vegan politico bullshit. Plus she didn't even like Da Ali G Show. Hey did you see the one where Borat goes... um... What was I saying? Oh yeah... So just come out and cut loose tonight. You're swingle again.

Yeah, but I'm not feeling like putting myself out there...

You have dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, dude. It's settled. We're going to the party. I'm picking you up. No excuses. You know what I always say. Nothing will cheer up a little pussy like a little pussy.

HA HA! Good one. Maybe, I don't know. I guess you're right. It'll be good just to get out of the house anyway. What time you wanna roll out?

I'll get the scoop and ring you back. Okay, dude?

Okay, I'll I just be hangin' here, man. Later.

*click*

*ring ring*

Hello?

Hey, Harpie, it's Krankiboy. What time does that party start?

Like around 9, but I'm not gonna get there until 11 at the earliest.

Cool, cool. Listen, my buddy Kitten Doing Pushups just broke up with this girl. You know anybody that we could set him up with. He needs some serious cheering up.

Ah sexual healing. Hmmm... he's into girls. Hmmmm... lemme make some calls and see what I can do.

*Click*

Polichicks, keep left it you wanna get laid? Oh hey Harpie.... No we broke up with Owen and Luke it was creepy dating brothers, ya know?... Well the five of us voted and we decided 3 votes to 2 to dump them. Why?.... No WAY! You're kidding?! He's single now?! What about that hippie nerd chick he was.... Really? Man, he's sooo cute we just want to pick him up and stroke him. Okay, we'll see you there. Bye slut.

*ring ring*

*ring ring*

Hello?

Hey Kittten, it's Elisabeth. I heard you and Miss Hair Pits are splits. Do you love how I just rhymed that? Anyway this is embarrassing but... maybe... would you want to--

"Damn it, Elisabeth! Did you eat my last lean cuisine!"

Kitten, hold on, my camel toe roommate is calling me.

What do you want I'm on the phone?

I asked you if you ate my last fucking lean cuisine meal! I wrote my god damn name on it!!

Uh... Elisabeth you sound busy maybe I could--

*BEEP*

That's my other line. I'll call you back.

*Click*

Hello?.....

Hello?......

Heeyyy Kitten. It's Jamie your neighbor from upstairs. C-could you come up here cause we-- I mean I... Te he he he. I um... I -- I know you work out and stuff. So I was really kind of wondering and hoping if you could, like, help me, maybe, you know, move my bed.

Yeah, I guess so. I'm not doing anything else. What else are neighbors for, right? *Click*

*Sigh*

Shit. Moving furniture. What a crappy night this is shaping up to be.

No-one heard me scream

2005-02-14T13:47:00.000-08:00

I was happily minding my own business the other day when all of a sudden...

*ring ring*

"KB Here"

"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"

"Ummm...Hello? You got the KB on Line 1, how can I help you?"

"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"

"I'm hanging up now...."

"Hello. Hello. Begin Transmission. Is this...Krankiboy?"

"Yeah man" (I was stoned see) "Who is this?"

"Kranki. This is Steve Austin."

"Coooool! You mean the Pro Wrestler? I love you man!"

"No you fool. I mean STEVE. AUSTIN. You know...SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN?"

"Coooool! Six Million Dollars! Hey...errr...I've been trying to get to Australia but things are a bit tight you know? Maybe you could find your way to..."

"Shut up"

"Ok. Just asking. Sheesh! So Sixey, what's the lowwwww down? What the happs? Gimme the 411 big Stevey A"

"Shut up"

"........"

"Good. Now listen Kranki, I have an important mission for you. The fate of the Earth hangs in the balance. Either you accept this mission, or...well I guess we COULD find someone else, but you know, I've been reading your blog for a while now, I found you from your comments on Greg The Boyfriend's blog. Can you believe he's stopped posting? Bummer! Anyway...I thought it would be kind of cool for you to save the Earth. Are you in?"

"Hey what man? Sorry I was nodding off there for a minute. Damn good Pot chief!"

"I said, DO you want, to SAVE the WORLD?

"hehehehehe"

"This is not a joke Krankiboy. I'm deadly serious."

"hehehehehe"

"Stop that."

".......................................................hehehehehe"

"There'll be....lezzzzzzzzbiaaaaaans...."

"When do I start?"

"Immediately. Now listen very closely. I want you to close your eyes, put the phone in your mouth and stand on your left leg."

"hehehehehe"

"THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. DO IT. DO IT NOW"

"hehehehehe...Okay okay...I'm doing it. Geez, for a guy with Six Million Dollars, you're pretty uptight."

I followed Steve's instructions. All of a sudden...I began to feel very strange.

Something was happening to me. I was starting to feel...woooozy.

"Hey err..Steve? Steve I don't feel so crash hot man..."

"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"

"Steve I don't feel so..........."

I blacked out.

When I woke up, I felt different.

Lighter.

I looked around. Where the hell was I?????

*ring ring*
(Luckily I had my mobile phone)

"Errr....Yello?"

"Hello Kranki, it's me Wonder Woman, I'll just get Steve for you..."

"Ummm sure, ok."

"Hello Kranki, I see you made it ok. Good. Now, look behind you, can you see a Mountain range off in the distance?"

"Yeah Six, I see it. You want to me to go there? You shitting me man? That shit miles away!"

"Don't be a pussy Kranki"

"Wonder Woman, get off the phone, this is Top Secret. Damn second phone line."

*click*

"Okay, she's gone. Bitch can be real pain the arse sometimes you know?

"Yeah I here ya man."

"I mean, I try and do the nice things, do the dishes, bring her flowers but, I just can't seem to do anything right sometimes. I don't know...Do you think...Do you think...Maybe I'm just not that good in bed?"

"Errr...Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Dude, I'm kind of like ON THE FREAKING MOON HERE YOU KNOW?"

"Oh yeah, right. Sorry. Okay Kranki, I need you to walk to that distant Mountain Range. I know it's a long way away, but it's VERY IMPORTANT."

"Fine. I'll call you when I get there."

Goddamn saving the world...

I started walking.

Eventually, I made it to the top of the highest mountain. I dialled Steve.

"Hello?"

"Hey Wonder Woman, it's me Kranki, can you put Steve on?"

"STEEEEEEEEVE! It's your little pussy friend Kranki. Oooooh loverssssss."

"........"

"Kranki? Are you there? Did you make it to the mountain range?"

"Yeah man, I'm here. I'M KING OF THE WORLD! Sorry...couldn't resist."

"That's okay, crap movie though."

"Yeah..."

"Okay Kranki...this is it. This is very important. Can you see the Earth from where you're standing?"

"Can I? She's...beautiful Steve. Just beautiful."

"Good. Now Kranki...look very closely...very, very closely...Can you see The Great Wall of China? CAN YOU SEE IT?"

"I'm looking dude, I'm looking..."

"TELL ME! TELL ME!"

"Nope. I can see China. I was pretty good at Geography in High School, but I'm telling you straight up Steve. I cannot see the Great Wall."

"Okay, hang on one second...I've got to make a call."

"........"

"Muscle Mike Menzter here..."

"Mike, it's Steve."

"Heeeey man! What's up? Damn hungover this morning...who'd have ever thought Wonder Woman was into spitro..."

"Dude, I've got Kranki on the line too..."

'Oh...yeah...Hey Kranki!"

"Hello Muscle Mike."

"Mike, Kranki is on THE MOON."

"Oh......yeah?"

"Yeah. Tell him Kranki, tell him what you told me."

"Sure whatever, I can't see the Great Wall of China from here."

"You SEE! YOU SEE! I TOLD YOU MIKEY BOY! You owe me twenty bucks baby!"

"........."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, all brawn no brain baby. Time to pay the ferryman."

"Fine. I'll bring it over tonight."

*click*

"What a chump. Anyway, thanks Kranki, catch you around sometime. See ya."

*click*

"Ummm...guys?"

"fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt"

"Ummm...guys?"

I've really got to stop answering my phone.

Might ain't right

2005-02-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

I rang myself up the other day.

"Yeah, it's me. People have been talking about you" I said to myself.

"What people," I replied, 'What are they saying?"

"They're calling you a pussy man. They says you couldn't fight to defend the honour of a drunken sailor at a Hong Kong Opium Den."

"That's a strange thing for them to be saying," I said to myself.

"Yeah well, what you gonna do about it mon?"

At this point I wondered how I had all of a sudden developed a Jamaican accent, but I shrugged it off.

"I don't know, you're me, so...what do I suggest?"

"I think we should show them man, show them not to mess with the K-Man, you hear what I'm saying?"

I heard alright. But I wasn't sure I liked where this was going. I was confused. How did I get my phone number? Was I having an episode? Would fighting make me look a little like

this?

Or a whole lotta

this?

Why was I all of a sudden calling myself the K-Man?

The K-Man.

Speaking it out loud I suddenly felt a rush of blood to my head. That's when I realised I was actually hanging upside down. What a strange day this was. Righting myself I began to jump up and down on the spot shouting, "I'm the K-Man Fool, I AM THE K-MAN. YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? WELL? DO YA? OH, YOU WANT SOME TOO? YEAH, THERE'S A PIECE OF K-MAN FOR YOUR OLE MAN."

I was punching the air, which felt good because the air can't punch back. Unless you stick your head out of the window of a jet plane, in which case it can slam your face like a two tonne truck. But the air in my kitchen is generally peaceful and zen-like, so all it did was hang there whilst I used my Krank-fu on it's ass.

Fight hey?

I began to picture in my mind fights that I had witnessed previously.

Okay, that doesn't look too bad.

Oh Alexis, when will you learn Blake doesn't love you anymore!

You know what? I'm starting to like this whole fight bizness.

I was feeling pumped. It all added up.

The more I got into fights, the more my testosterone level would begin to resememble some sort of mathematical phallus and the more respect I would get from my LA Holmies which of course would in turn lead to more Dynasty-esque love making with nude mud wrestling lesbians.

I called myself back.

"Hello?"

"Yeah it's me"

"Oh hey, how are you?"

"Yeah, you know, can't complain..I mean no-one listens anyway right?"

"Yeah, I hear ya. Hey you don't know where I put my keys do you?"

"Try next to the bed."

"Oh yeah! Anyway look, about this fight business..."

"Yeah mon, holmies been dissin' yo all over town."

"Yeah well, tell them the K-Man is in town and he wants to talk."

"You sure man?"

"Just tell them okay?"

"Okay man, I will. Hey..."

"Yeah?"

"I love you man. I'm really sorry about that whole slash the wrist thing back in High School, I was feeling confused man, you know?"

"It's okay. I'm past it now. Just call me once in a while ok?"

"Ok"

I hung up.

I had to prepare myself, get fit, get training. Who could I call?

No. I was in no mood for maintenance work.

No. I was in no mood for kiddie fiddling.

No. I was in no mood for kiddie fiddling.

The K-Man was to go it alone.
The K-Man was tough.
The K-Man was fast as lightning.
The K-Man...The K-Man...The K-MAN!

I don't remember much about the next few hours. Just snippets.

I remember the warmth of the sun on my face as I stepped through the front door of my Compton Holiday House. I remember the laughter that greeted me as I approached a group of local Hoods asking to be taken to their leader. I remember being blindfolded and put in the back of their Van. I remember distinctly the smell of old leather and what could have been cheap aftershave or stale urine. I remember being led into a warehouse where I came face to face with the notorious Gang Leader.

After that, my mind is a blank.

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

"........."

"Hellooooo?"

"........"

"Look, who is this? I'm going to hang up soon."

".......It's me"

"Oh hey! Did you find the keys?"

"Yeah, right where you said. Geez I'm a real blockhead sometimes!"

"Hey, it happens to the best of us...hehehehe"

"Look man, about what happened at the warehouse..."

"What do you mean? You were there? I can't remember a goddamn thing!"

"You...what? Really?"

"Yeah man, my minds gone blank...What the hell were you doing there anyway? What the hell is going on?"

"........."

"Dude..."

"Oh hey man, there's someone at the door...I gotta go. I'll speak to you soon yeah? Great! And get the arm tended to, it might go gangrenous."

*click*

Confused, tired and sore and realising that I should take my own advice and see to my arm, I ran a hot bath. This whole testosterone thing was over rated, where were the lesbians? Had I even fought anyone? K-Man was sleepy. K-Man wanted nigh nighs.

*ring ring*

"Hello?"

"Yes. Miyagi here. Miyagi very impressed by Krank-Fu style. Miyagi want to learn."

"Oh hey Miyagi, listen I'm real tired ok? Maybe Saturday we can get together?"

"Oh. Saturday is acceptable to Miyagi. And Kranki-San?"

"Yes Miyagi?"

"Bring Paintbrush"

*click*

I fell asleep and dreamed of kittens.