Fetish ME and I'll Fetish YOU!

*ring*

*ring*




"Yeah?"





"Hey there Sherriff. It's YGWIN."





"BITCH!"





"I know... I know... I'm calling to apologize! Here, let me get Kranki on the line. This is for him, too."


*ring*

*ring*




"Krankiboy Khronicles, this is Kranki."





"Don't hang up!"




"Oh, it's YOU!"



"I know the nerve of some people. You'd think they were raised in a barn!"




"Et tu, Sherriff?"





"Hey now, she called ME up and..."




"Guys, simmer down... let me explain."



"I don't want any more of your EXCUSES!"




"EXACTLY!"




"I mean come on, I'm more than a hot Asian fetish..."




"You make us feel so.... ashamed... and soiled... with your innuendoes!"



"I know. I've started sensitivity classes and..."




"You've said that BEFORE!"



"And no more e-mails either!"



*shudder*

"Oh God, you get them too?"



"I don't know who invented the chopsticks, damn you! So stop asking!"




"And I don't know if Chinese stars can be used like boomerangs! I'm Japanese for Christ's sake!"



"I'm so ashamed of myself... using you, my amigos, as mouthpieces for an entire amalgamation of cultures like that!"





"SEE! There you go again with the mouthpieces shit...!"



"Wait, I didn't mean it like that... I..."



"You sicken me."



*ring*

*ring*




"Hold up guys... my cellio's ringing off the hook today!"


(pause)


"Hello?"




"Hey baby, you ready?"



*breathless*

"Almost, I just need to finish something..."



"Well hurry it up. I've been Ninja training all day and I need a lil' action from my fav pony..."



"NINJA training? I'll be right over!"



"Good. Green tea and wasabi body shots in half an hour... be here!"



*click*





"Oh, hey guys... sorry about that... I, um... well... SupersorrybutIHAVEtagonow!"




"You have such a problem."



"I weep for you."



teehehehehe... sorry to interrupt... I'm rooking for big board to put cooking on... teehehehehee




"BUSTED!"



"Big time!"



"Hurry... it getting cold! teeheeeee"




"Gotta go guys... Heart ya and all that! We'll talk soon... Kisses!"



*click*






"Westerners and their over commoditization of fetishes!"



"Pathetic. Hey, lets go down to the bar and pick us up some slutty, big tittied, blonde backpackers!"



"Golden, those bitches are ripe for a little Samurai action... Heee ya!"



"See ya in 20. I'll bring my sword."



"What should I wear?


*click*

LIVE!

"fffffffffffffft"


"fffffffffffffft"


"fffffffffffffft"


"fffffffffffffft"


"HELLO! Welcome to another EXCITING installment of Glickman Tonight!"



*applause*


"Tonight on Glickman averyspecialguest! Colin Farrell!!!"



*applause*


"Yes that's right folks that old Gaelic Love Rat will be in to tell us all about a very....scary...incident...."



"ooooooooooh"


"Also! Dancing Pets! And of course the Glickman Band!!!"



"and she's buying a stairway...to..."


"Thanks guys, anyway first up! the Glick Man will need a volunteer from our studio audience!"



"We'll neeeeeed a memmmmber...of the stuuuuudiooooo audie..."


"Great guys, NOW! Who wants to touch Glickman???"



"Me! Me! Me!...No pick me!"






"I'll suck you off Glickman!"





"ooooooooooh"


"Looks like we've got ourselves a winner! What's your name friend?"



"My naaaaaame is Serrrrgeant Shultz!"


"Shultz aye? Are you Russian"



"Noooo! Shultz only had half a pill!"



"Hahahahahaha"


"Yeah good one Shultz............I'll do the fucking jokes here alright? ANYWAY! Schultz! For your chance....to win....the mystery prize....youjustneedtoanswerthisonesimplequestion. Are you READY?"



"No"


"oh for fuck's sake Schultz..."



"I wanna do poopy..."



"Hahahahahaha"


"oh for fuck's sake...Ok...forget it, let's move along...shall we? Our very special guest tonight has managed to screw his way around Hollywood for the last few years and STILL manages to avoid a bad case of syphlis, no it's not Krankiboy....our guest tonight is the always charming....COLIN FARRELL!!!!"



"Ah Colin, colin, colin, colin is here, colly wolly golly.....Colin is HERE!"



*rapturous applause*


"Colin! How are you tonight?"



"Ay, I'm alroight Glicky to be sure...How about that Schultz then, a roight laff he is aye?"


"Yeah, a fucking barrel of it, anyway Colin...I believe you're here tonight to tell us...a very....scary.....story...."



"ooooooooooh"



"Actually Glicky, I'm here to get laid...but Oi'll pass the time with a yarn if ya like...



It was a few weeks ago now...


I was walking down the street minding my own business...


when all of a sudden...




*ring ring*




*ring ring*




*ring ring*






"No-one was around, and that bloody pay phone was ringing...



"PICK IT UP COL! PICK IT UP!"



"Yeah, keep ya fucking shirts on..."



"ooooooooooo"



"anyway...



"I stood there not knowing what to do...and then I thought...maybe it was Britney, ya know...wanting to say hello to Colin and co...if ya know what I mean..."



"TO BE SURE! TO BE SURE!"



"So I answered the bloody thing..."


"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! A BIG ROUND OF APPLA..."



"Oi! I'm still going ya sack of old arseholes..."


"Oh right...sorry Colin, so....you answered the phone...."



"tosser..."



"So I answer the bloody phone see..."



"YES? YES?"



"And there's this voice on the other end of the line..."



"YES? YES?"



"And he says, he says..."



[colin farrell, do exactly as I say and you will not be harmed]



"ooooooooooo"



"So I say, okay mate, whatever you want...tell me what to do..."



[colin farrell, make the camera zoom closer]



"like this? I says..."



[not quite that close]



"Like this?"



[better. now make a face as though you are really stoned]



"okay...how's this?"



[hey. that's pretty good. i never really thought of you as much of an actor, but you're starting to convince me. how long can you hold it for?]


















"Aaah...that's it I'm afraid..."



[not bad. i may spare your life after all. but first...]



"Yes?"


"Yes?"



"YES?"



[i want you to sing my way]



"My Way?"



"MY WAY?"



"Yep. Bloody My Way..."



[please. i really like that song. it would mean a lot to me...]



"Fine..."



"I DID IT MYYYYYYYYYY....................."


















"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"



*rapturous applause*



[thankyou colin farrell]



"Weird huh? So then....



"YES? YES? YES?"



"I got a slurpee...



"YES? YES? YES?"



"and got absolutely....



"fffffffffffffft"


"fffffffffffffft"


"fffffffffffffft"