Heaven's On The Line

*ring*

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Hello, you've reached the Clark County Animal Rescue Shelter. How may I direct your call?



My life is one of sorrow and discontent.



I'm sorry, but this is an animal clinic and...



I am more than a toy for the world's pleasure!
Everyone is like... "look brooding Rick" and "pour more water on your rippling muscles Rick."

ENOUGH!

I have feelings too!



Of course you do! Listen, the world is a cruel and heartless bitch and she'll...



Not like you though.



I don't know what you mean?



I feel like there is a connection between us, no?



I feel it too!



Madrino de demos, my golden meat goddess, you are the light at the end of my long dark channel!



Huh?



I'm sorry, sometimes my English is not so good.
The native tongue in my mouth, well, she is Espagnola.



You're from Spain?



Never mind such things as from, tell me...
No, don't speak. I cannot take it!



What! Tell, me... Rick... Please!



No, such a love is not for us. We are two wet dolphins torn apart by the waves of apathy and disdain! Pah, the taste this leaves in my mouth is that of one thousand octopi, octopusses, octipod... whatever, their ink sacks and ash. Yes, inky ash! I cannot take it. I must go...



No! Rick... Please...



It is best this way, goodbye my love!
You will always shine like one million rubied nipples in the chasm of my memory!



Rick... I'll never love like this again!

*sobbing*



Shhh...

I know.

I know.

Goodbye la ninagita, my little love packet!
Goodbye!


*click*




I likes big butts and I cannot lie, all you other brothas...

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Hello, thank you for calling the Benton County Rural Firefighters Help Hotline. My name is Sue, how may I direct your call?



Sue, it is your voice that keeps me from the darkness of my souless pit!



Excuse me?



No excuse is necessary for the light you beam into my love hole!



WHAT!



Forgive me, the words in English do not often come on me...



Come to you. The words in English do not always come to you...



Yes, that too.
Enough, what does come to me is the beauty of your geyser from where love gushes forth to bring me the drink of LIFE!



Oh, the way you put things... I've never heard such beautiful words!



My words melt to nothingness in the heat of your glory! Oh, pain! This love, it can never be...



But why? Listen, I get off at six, and maybe we could meet for a drink and...



The agony of never climbing in your mountain's valleys is a pain in my insides that I cannot stand! I must go before I explode from this unhappiness within me... Goodbye, my la pollonesa.... goodbye....!



No.. please... don't leave me!

*sobbing*



Your tears are a thousand goodbyes!


*click*

*ring*

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Hello, you've reached Heaven's Main Desk. The Heavenly Father is busy right now, can I take a message?



The message I have for you is one that cannot be written except for on the notepad of eternal love!



Rick! OH MY GOD! Is it you? I thought that I'd never hear from you again and it...



Hush, hush... my love for you it burns away everything in its path!



You called me my Son?



Ummm... shit Rick it's my DAD! I gotta go... shit, shit, shit!




Wait no...!



Okay, hold on then while I...



Who are you talking to my Only Begotten One?



Mom.



What? That bitch can burn in hell for all I care!



Dad, you know it hurts me when you use language like that and...



I'm going to my den! And if anybody besides Frieda interrupts me, well, heaven help 'em because I sure as fuck won't!

FRIEDA!



Yes, mein Got?



My den NOW!



Vell... I don't know...



The Lord YOUR God commands it! So sayeth... and... get the frick... arruuughghh!




Shit, I really do have to go now Rick!




But Jesus...



No really, I have to go. I can't take cleaning up after another one of his episodes. It totally compromises my morals. Bleh. Call back tomorrow...

Kisses!


*click*




Rick does the hanging up... RICK does the HANGING UP! RICK DOES THE HANGING...


*ring*

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No I won't call back tomorrow you fringhalita, pah!



Rick! No, I didn't mean it I swear!



Dick?



Who else would it be calling you at this time of night?



Ummm... no one... errrr, your love is like the water in my soul that keeps it afloat on the sea of el amore?



Rick, what is this that you do to me? I feel so...



Yeah, about that. I forgot to mention something to you before.



What is it? Do you need me to invade any one?



The way you joke at me, no... no... (ahem) nothing like that.
It's just that...Dick...



Yes, my little frijole?



I'm a lesbian.



GOD! Not another one! First my daughter and now...!



You called? SHIT, not this fucking...



Please, no... do not sorrow over what cannot be.
My love is still for Dick, I MEAN, for you...
Dick, our love is true it just cannot be...
so, I'd umm...better, yeah...

Gotta go.


*click*




Pull yourself together, Dick... Be a man!
You can do so much better!



Yes, SIR!

*muffled sobbs*



Now, I've got us some prime pieces, you game?




I don't know, SIR!



Oh, you'll know soon enough boy!
Listen and learn...
listen and learn...


*ring*

*ring*




Yes?

*giggles*




Wait, Dick!
Hold up... I THINK there are TWO of 'em!
Girl on Girl action is soooo HOT right now, yo.



I don't know God. I mean you are all knowing and...



Shut up Dick, this is getting good.
So, ladies, this is your Jehovah calling...



We always KNEW that you'd call!

*giggle*
*giggle*




You don't say!
Well, now, Heaven's on the line and it's time to...




DAD! KNOCK IT OFF!



Fuck... gotta go.

*click*