A Five Letter Word For...

*ring ring*



"Hello, you've reached the The White House. This is Freida speaking, how can I help you?"




"Hello?...."




"Freida, it's G. Dubya. I've got me a matter of imminent urgency. I need to speak with the President of the United States."




"....But, sir, I'm a little confused because you--





"God Damn it, Freida! It's urgenful that I speak with the President of the United States right now. If not sooner. Patch me through to his Direct Hotline. Do it!"




"Yes, whatever you say, sir."





"Good, now we're making progress." *ring* *ring* "Hold on Freida, that stupid red phone on my desk is ringing again. It'll have to wait. Have you reached the President?





Well... it's ringing, but there's no answer. Also, sir. May I remind you that you are the President.






"Wh-- Ohhh. Yeah... Uhh...... Um..... Good job Freida. You passed that test with flying colors. It's a proud day for America. That's exactly the kind of confusion that the terrorists may unleash upon us."





"Yes, Mr. President. Can I be of any further assistance?"




"Yes, I need you to contact Captain America! He'll know the answer. Patch me through."



* ring ring *

* ring ring *

...Hello?... I wike ice cream. Do you wike ice cream?





"Yes, Captain, with all my heart. Look, it's G. Dubya, here."






"I wike to eat swaberry and, and... and, bwanilla."






"Hmmm... My record shows that I am a staunch advocate of Orange Sherbert. Now Captain, listen carefully. I need yer help to--"





(Singing) "I squeam for ice cream. Yummy Nummy ice cream. Mommy gets me ice cream."




"Mommy? Uh... hey lil feller... is there a big person there I can talk to?"





"Um.....................................
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.............................................
.............................................
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I also wike Monkeys. Monkeys are funny."






"Son, please for the love of sweet liberties panties, please give the phone to a grown up. A big person."






Okey...... Does monkeys wike ice cream?





"Look kiddo, is there anybody else there?"





"Uh-huh. Yef."





"Great. Now be a good lil tyke and give them the phone."








"Hello. This is Captain America Junior!"





"What kind of retard convention have I stubled into?! Christ on a cracker! Put a grown up on the FUCKING phone!"






"Hello? Who the hell is this?"





"This is Big Dubya. I need to speak to Captain America ma'am. I need him. America needs him, pronto."




"Oh, you can just fuck off. America this America that. I hear enough of that shit from my husband. I am so sick of it. I ask him, "When are you going to clean up that filthy garage?" And he pulls that same lame excuse out of his ass. (Mocking) "Right after I protect America's Freedom and Justice, honey bunch." Then he sneaks over to Thor's house, gets stoned and they play Grand Theft Auto for six hours."





"Cool, I played that at Tony Blair's house. Er-- Sorry, ma'am is he there, Mrs. America?"




"No. He's not reachable. He went off bass fishing with The Hulk. And besides my husband isn't bailing you out anymore. By the way, we voted for Ralph Nader. So you can just go slam your scrotum in car door!"

*click*




Hello? Mrs. America?.... Hello?.... Galloping gonads! Freida, you there?





Yes, sir?




"I'm all riled up. I need ta blow off some steam."




"Excellent. Let me just pop my dentures out and I'll be right in to polish your presidential knob."





"Perfect... Eww. No, wait, that's all wrong. Uh, who's that new receptionist we hired? Short brown hair, nice smile, full pouty lips, young perky boobies?"





"Oh, you mean Alexis?"





"Bingo. Lemme speak to her."





"Thank you for calling the White House. Where can I direct your complaint?"






"Hiya, Alexis, this is your Commander in Chief. The big boss man."





"Mr. President it's an honor, sir. Where may I direct your call?"





Yeah, direct my call and then direct your tight little tushy into my oval office.






"Sir! I'm not sure I understand what you're asking."





"I'm not askin', I'm tellin'! Hustle your tail feathers downta my office or yer fired. Got it!?"





"Yes, sir... I'm afraid I do."





"Don't be afraid yet, you haven't seen my pocket rocket. You know, everything from Texas comes big, baby."





*gulp*





"But first get me Spiderman."



"Right away."


*ring ring*



*ring ring*




"Hello?"





"I have the President of the United States calling for Spiderman."




"Spiderman? Oh, he's in the shower, right now? Can he, like, call you back?"




"M-kay, it's important."






"Okay, dude. Chill it out. I'm not gonna walk in on him while he's in shower."




"No, 'course not. That'd be a pretty gay thing to do."




"Duh, that's why I'm not gonna get him."




"Don't you, "DUH" me you fucknut. I'll stick an F-16 up your ass! I'll put it on speaker phone, go get him right now, you gaylord."

*click*





'Time to hail to the Chief darlin'


'I'm on my way.' *click*

.
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.
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*knock knock*

"I'm here Mr. President?"

"Alexis, have you been a bad little girl?"

"What? Oh... Uh... yes, I'm a naughty girl, sir."

"Well, your Dubya Daddy is very mad at you."




"Hey GW it's Spidey, you called?



*SMACK*



*SMACK*




*SMACK*



"And that's for causing trouble in the Middle East..."


*SMACK*





(Muffled) "Ow! Ow! I'm sorry I let Bin Laden escape."

*SMACK*

"Oh yeah. Who drops the Biiigggg Bombs, yeah... Say it! Say my name!"


*SMACK*


"Ahem, ahem. Mr. President?..."


*SMACK*

"Ow! Big Daddy Bush."


*SMACK*

"OH... OOW! OH YEAH! BIG DADDY BUSH HAS THE BIG BIG BOMBS!"



"GEORGE!"





"Huh? Spidey?... Is that you?"




"You dragged me out of the shower. I was exfoliating. What do you need?"





"Well howdy there ya wall crawlin' sonofabitch! You surprised me."






"Speak up. I can barely hear you."





"I'm doing a crossword, you know fer boostin' my vocaberlary."





"Yeah and..."





"There, that's better. So... I'm stuck on just number 3 across. "A five letter word for dullard." And I already tried the word Liberal, but it's got too many letters. Stoopid Liberals"





"A crossword puzzle. That's why you called me? I thought you'd been kidnapped or some serious shit!"





"Spidey, it's very important. Dick Cheney said, if I finish the crossword puzzle, without calling the CIA for help, then he'll take me out for Chuck E. Cheese Pizza."






"Idiot."

*SLAM*


*dail tone*



"Idiot?! How dare he. Let's see how that web slinging helps him when I drop a nookyalur bomb on that Spider Shack. Idiot... You're the idiot... Wait... Idiot. Five letter word for dullard. I.D.I.O.T.. It fits! God bless you, Spiderman."

"Freida, I need you to dig up one of those Presidential Medals of Honor er sumthin' for Spidey. Oh, and tell Cheney, it's Pizza Time."




"Yes sir. Very good."



*ring ring*


*ring ring*



"Sherriff here. Whassup?"






"Honey, how would you like a long, hot n' juicy, slick n' sloppy, nothing-but-gums blow job?...."







"Whoa........................"