The Mighty Boosh

*ring ring*






*ring ring*








"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"



"Yo my blood, it's Rufus man, whatchoo doin all hoitey toitey answering that tele-phown y'all?"



"Ay nigger! Shee-it! Youse all gots to be crackers diallin' me here, you know dat damn Sergeant gonna pickle my nigger ass he catch me on the line to you again. Sheee-it"


"Dat Fat Ten Sandwhich Eatin' Sergeant can shizzle my dizzle motherfucker! Y'all know I opened a can o' whipass on his behind done ten years ago now. Besides Holmie, I knows you just sittin' there looking at them skinnies on yo' 'puter screen again, put that shit back in yo' pants. It's embarrassing man, how'my s'posed to talk with y'all when you playing the upsies downsies on yo' teeny lil alabama black snake? Sheee-it"


*ziiip*


"That's right my blood. Now listen here, because yo' Uncle Rufey gots some prime piece o' action and he needs yo' skills. You in?"


"Anythang for you R to the U Fee, You just say the word."


"Word. Sweet dawg, I'll talk to you later."



*click*


*click*





*ring ring*






*ring ring*







"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"



"Jesus christ, help me...some guy with a sniper rifle is trying to kill me. He won't let me off the phone..."


"Eh? Fuck you man, I'm working here, I gots my OWN motherfucking problems you hear? YOU take that motherfucking phone and you stick it right up yo' skinny little..."

*ring ring*


"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"



"Honey? Is that you? I got a headache again..."


"Shit Bitch! I told you not to call me here! I gonna come down there and..."


*ring ring*



"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"



"WAINWRIGHT! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE MAKING PERSONAL CALLS. GET BACK TO WORK. THIS COUNTRY IS AT WAR DO YOU HEAR ME?? WHAT IF THE PRESIDENT TRIED TO CALL? YOU HANG UP THIS PHONE IMMEDIATELY, YOU HEAR ME?"


"Yes SIR! I'm sorry SIR!"


*click*


"motherfucking President gonna call, suck my dick honky..."



*ring ring*


"Mother-fucker..."


"US ARMY BASE DELTA. CORPORAL WAINWRIGHT SPEAKING"



"Yeah...I'm hard baby, I'm so fucking hard...Daddy likes it when you fuck him with that strap on baby..."


"Motherfucker! What the fuck you doin? This ain't no motherfucking sex line bitch, get the fuck outta my face..."



"Now, listen here Son, do you know who you're talking to? You've got the President on the line here."


"..........."


"Now you listen very carefully son, Daddy's gonna talk, and you're gonna like it. You hearing me?"


"grrrr.....YES.......SIR!"


"That's right...Now you just get down on your knees and get yo' self a taste of the George Dubya Boosh..."


"Yes....sir....I'm licking your balls sir"


"Oh yeah, dubya like that boy, now cup those balls and work that shaft boy"


"Yes....sir....you got motherfucking big balls sir"


"Yeah....that's what my mommy says too..."


"Ewwww man, ain't no motherfucking job worth this shit, suck MY dick cracker!"


"Oh yeah, Daddy gonna cum you keep talking like that boy....Daddy gonna....Daddy gonna..."


"Hey fuck you cracker..."


*click*



*ring ring*



"Who the fuck this? I ain't no motherfucking Corporal no more, I get the fuck outta this fucked up joint!"


"Hey man, it's me."


"Hey Rufus, shit man, this motherfucking phone, it's like a bitches butt that just won't quit"


"Yeah man, whatever. Look G, you gots to listen very motherfucking carefully to what I say ya hear?"


"I hear ya, I hear ya, don't go all seismic on a nigger blood..."


"Good...listen man, I want you to get on down.....and work my motherfucking shaft and cup my motherfucking balls..."


"......"


"You gots to do it for the FAMILY man...you gots to do it for Uncle Rufus, y'all hearing me?"


"Okay Rufus, I'm working your motherfucking shaft...I'm cupping yo' motherfucking balls"


"Yeah boy, that's what Mommy does for me..."


"Mommy? Hey who the fuck is this man, this ain't no Uncle Rufus?"


"No nigger it IS me...yo' Uncle Rufus...I swear...now...y'all get that strap on handy and give it to me...GIVE IT TO ME!!!"


"Man, I gotta call the Sherriff..."




*ring ring*




*ring ring*





"Sheriff here, what you want?"


"MAN...you thought YOU had some motherfucking strange phone calls G, I gots the motherfucking President on the phone wanting me to fuck that little cracker in the bee-hind with a motherfucking Hello Kitty Strap On. WHATS A NIGGER TO DO MAN?"


"You came to the right place my man...patch that shit through to me..."


*click*



*beeeep*





"Mommy...Mommy...Dubya likes that Mommy.....Hello? Is anybody there?"


"Just you hang on a minute there Mr Dubya sir, we're just patching you through to an appropriate operator...."


"Oh yeah....is it mommy? Dubya wants to feed it to mommy..."


*click*






*beep beep*






*ring ring*






*ring ring*






"Hello?"