The Big Deal

*ring ring*


"Yo, somebody wanna get the bloody phone? "



* ring ring *




*ring ring*



*ring ring*



*ring ring*




Hello? Sherriff here.



Hiya, Frank Felcher here! Felcher Productions. I'm calling long distance from Hollywood Cali-fucking-fornia. Is dis the guy who calls himself Sherriff!



Hey dude, listen... If this is about getting your daughters pregnant, I'm really sorry, I had no idea they were fourteen years-old. They lied to me man, they said they were nine years-old and were way too young to get pregnant. Swear to God. I think they dosed my drink too.




What? No ya pimple pocked jerk off. If you shut up, I'll tell you why I'm calling... I'm calling to make you rich.



Look, I don't want to swallow more condoms filled with heroin or smuggle anything stuffed in my arse again.
(pause)
How much can you pay me?



No, no. Shut the fucking fuck up and listen fuck bag. It's Frank Felcher from Felcher Productions. We want to make your "Ringie Rings" thingie into a major motion picture.



Wait. You mean *Ring Ring*?! You want to take a blog that we haven't updated in, like, five months and turn it into a major motion picture? Are you really calling from Hollywood?


Yeah, twig-dick I am! Here. I'll look out my office window to prove it.



Impressive huh? Well, Mr. Sherriff, you little twat-sniffer. Do we have a deal?...

*office door opens*

Hang on one sec. My assistant just walked in.


Irma, what is it? I'm on long distance.



I'm naked and I want you. I want you now. I've been a bad bad secretary.



Dammit! You stupid cunt! You know I find the term secretary derogatory towards women. How many times do I have to tell you you're my executive assistant. Now put your clothes back on before you embarrass yourself, you enormous slut.



Frank... You're hurting my feelings. But I want you to hurt my hynie. Pound me Daddy! Pound me like a naughty veal cutlet.



Hey Sherriff Shit-fer-brains. Can you stick your dick in it's holster and hang on a minute?


Um... yeah dude. If you gotta tap that snatch, I'll hold. Can you just put the phone by her mouth so I can listen?



You pervert! Are you implying that I would take advantage of my powerful position and engage in lewd and inappropriate acts with an employee? At my sacred place of business?! Yo got no idea how Hollywood works.


Uh... dude. She sounds so ready, set n' wet that I'd crawl across broken glass to just to suck the dick that fucked her ass.


Hey Dundee, I don't know how they run things down in The Outback, but this is Hollywood, California. We are always a class act.


....Wait. So you're not gonna bust a coconut on that sex-cravin' wench?



Class. We have class here you anal instigator! And don't call my executive assistant a wench. It robs the stupid nympho bitch of her dignity.



Please. I want to be your cum dumpster!


Irma, please. Where's your self-esteem? And open up a window, yer stinking up my office with your whore stench.

Look, kid, let me write you an enormous check okay?




.... Dude, is she touching herself? I need details.



Focus here. What type of money you Aussie schmucks got. Ya use Euros down there or do you just trade bugs, shells and snake skins and shit?


Look man, Ring Ring is not for sale, okay. Not for any price. Not now, not ever! You can't put a price on art or Free Speech.


*Moans* OOOOoooooooohhhhh! Idealism confronting capitalism gets me sooo horny.



You pissant little turd monkey! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY fucks Frank Felcher!


...Nobody?


...NOBODY!



*clears throat* Hi Frank. You ready?


Hey, kid gotta go. I'll call back and yell more obscenities at you later? My "physical therapist" just walked in.



Okay cool. Put your executive assistant on the phone, ok? I wanna fill her with my meat sauce.



Mmmm... You know I haven't eaten anything but celery in nine days so men will find me attractive.


Whoa. Anorexic too. Somebody just stuck a cherry on top of my sundae.