Ring Ring Swing Badda Swing

I came home from the Swinger's party and was about to open my door when...




















*ring ring*














*ring ring*















"Hello?"


*beep*


"Oh man, not you cats again..."


*beep*


"Listen, I ain't got no more Tang ok? NASA my fucking O-Ring bitch!"


[this is the International Space Station...]


"and this is Steve Austin. Sherriff are you there?"


*beep*


"Damn these conference calls! Sherriff are you there?"


"....."


"....."


"....."


"....beep"


"Dude, I know that's you..."


"beep"


[stop impersonating us, this is very important]


I REALLY had to change my number...


"Fuck shit you fucking Poof Lords, WHAT???"


"Sherriff, we have a highly sensitive mission for you, we need your help..."


"You know what Steve? Fuck you, last time you said that I ended up on the motherfucking moon man"


"You ended up on the Moonman? I didn't know you swung that way...you really ARE the man for the job..."


"....."


"Sorry, bit of Six Million Dollar Humour..."


"....."


*beep*


"Yeah, BEEP is right bitch..."


"Anyway, Sherriff, the mission. I have recently intercepted rep.."


[HEY!]


"Fine. WE have recently intercepted rep..."


[STEEEEEEVENNNNN]


"Fucking Hell. FINE. OOOOOOH THE ALMIGHTY SPACE STATION has recently intercepted reports from an unknown alien source. These reports speak of plans to merge humanity with an unknown alien race. From the planet, Genetalia. We are alarmed, alert and also slightly peckish."


"Have you had breakfast?"


"THERE IS NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST SHERRIFF"


"Sounds like someone is a little GRUMPY-POOO! You should really have some breakfast dude, it's the most important meal of the day you know..."


"Look Sherriff, these alien reports speak of assimilating themselves with the Human Race, by using Swinging websites to meet and Mind Meld with hundreds of people like you. Your perfect match COULD be online now. It's TERRIFYING."


"....I don't know what you're talking about man. I only went on that site once...for research..."


"It's okay Guy, I'm not judging you...In fact, I had a profile on there too once, but the only people who contacted me were Fat Middle Aged Men pretending to be young girls. I didn't realise until I had come all over his face. You have no idea how shocked I was...TERRIFYING. But, that's not the issue here. The important thing is the Human Race..."


"Wooooah there Sixey, you only realised it was a man AFTER YOU CAME ON HIS FACE? WHATCHOOTALKINABOUTWILLS?"


"I told you, that's not important right now, what's important is getting a man on the ground, someone who can stalk and identify these aliens, before it's too late...Are you online now?"


".......maybe...."


"I have a hotel room booked for later tonight. I'm attractive and genuine. My number is..."


[BEEP! BEEP! BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPMOTHERFUCKERBEEEEEEP!]


"Sorry, look, stay online, keep your eyes open, and try to collect some evidence that these creatures exist. You'll be doing your planet a great service young man...I'll get back to you soon....Please...try to keep this under your hat ok?"


"Yeah man, whatever..."





I hung up and went back to my computer.





[YOU HAVE THREE NEW MESSAGES!]





*click*

From: HOTGAL4U

Hey there. I'm a 23 year old girl who likes it hard and dirty. Checked out your profile and ever since I haven't been able to stop thinking of you. Your photo really turns me on. I have the day off work today and I'm feeling really horny. Here's my number. I'd love to come to your house, be tied up and used as your fuck toy. Hurry, I'm so wet I'm finding it HARD not to slide right off my chair...









Lust is a dangerous currency, and I was fucking Donald Trump. I dialed the number.






*ring ring*






"Hello?"


"Ahhh, hey. This is Sherriff, you know, from the website. I got your message and thought I'd give you a call...Nice weather we're having hey?"


"OH GOD DO ME, DO ME TODAY ALL DAY, TIE ME UP AND USE ME, FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!"


"Yeeeeah, they say there's a chance of rain later, but it looks quite nice out right now..."


"What is your address, let me CUM to you. NOW"








I'm a guy. A guy with needs and desires. An adventurous guy, one who craves love and cuddles. And a naked 23 year old tied to his bed.


I gave her my address.




About an hour later...






{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}




I opened my door and...


























[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. PLACE YOUR FIST IN MY ENTRY HOLE. DO ME IN THE POO]


























AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!







AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








FUCKING MOTHERFUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!










I slammed the door.






Outside I could hear the desperate slurping of the alien.








[in the poo. in the poo. in the poo.]






I screamed through the keyhole, I AIN'T DOING Y'ALL IN NO POO FREAKHOLE! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!




For three hours I lay crouched and huddled, embryonic behind the table I had used to block the door. Steve was right. These swinger freaks were motherfucking ALIENS MAN. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit....


I tried to call him...




*ring ring*





*ring ring*




"Steve Austin.."


"STEVE MAN YOU WERE RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER. STEVE DUDE YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAN, THERE'S AN ALIEN SWINGER VAG AT MY MOTHERFUCKING FRONT DOOR DUDE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET YOUR FUCKING SIX MILLION DOLLAR ABS THE FUCK HERE RIGHT NOW. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!"


"Ok Omar, slow down, we're like Little Fonzies yo. Little Fonzies. And what are are Little Fonzies?"


"...............cool?"


"That's right motherfucker. So be cool, and I'll get there as fast as I can..."




He hung up. I cried for my mommy.



About ten minutes later...




{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}





{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}




"Sherriff, open up man, it's me Steve I got the stuff..."


"Steve?"


"Yeah man, it's me Steve, open up...."


"Steve?"


"yeah man STEVE...."


"Steve's not here man..."


That joke will never die.



I pushed the table aside and opened the door...






[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. RUB YOUR HANDS AGAINST MY SIX PACK. ALLOW US ENTRY TO YOUR POO. ALLOW US. ALLOWWWWWWW USSSSSS]






*SLAM*




AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!





THEY GOT STEVE!!! THEY GOT STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!!!!





I pushed the table back across and jammed it beneath the door handle. This shit was crazy. I mean, I kind of knew I wasn't getting no sexy 23 year old girl, BUT ALIENS FORMED FROM THE BODIES OF SWINGERS???? WHO THE FUCK EXPECTS THAT SHIT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT???



I paced. I thought. I pondered. I came to the conclusion that only one man could help me. I dialled his number...



*ring ring*






*ring ring*







".....c'mon....."





*ring ring*







*ring ring*








".....c'mon....."



"Hello Krankiboy speaking. Don't make me KRANKI or you get spanki spanki!"



"Dude...don't ever speak like that"



"Hey man relaaaaaaax amundo!"



"Dude, shut up and listen...."



"I am the FONZ yo! Sit on it!"



"....."



"Sit on it! Sit on it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"


"LISTEN FUCKER. I'M IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. I'VE BEEN ON THIS SWINGING WEBSITE AND NOW I'M BEING STALKED BY GENETALIA ALIENS DETERMINED TO TOUCH ME UP THE POO!!! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"


"UP THE POO? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHO THE FUCK SAYS UP THE POO????"


"THEY DO! IT'S SOME SORT OF ALIEN TALK MAN! YOU GOTS TO HELP ME, I'M FREAKING OUT!"


"Alright brother, chill the fuck out. I'll get there as fast as I can...oh hang on, I think I just got a message from someone...I'll see you soon..."












What the Hell was going on?














{KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK}




"Dude, it's me KRANKI, open the fucking door yo"



I was afraid. But I trusted Kranki. He was my brother from another mother.



I opened the door.







[I AM FROM THE PLANET GORGON. I HAVE ARRIVED TO ASSIMILATE WITH YOUR RACE. YOU MUST RELENT. YOU MUST RUB MY SCROTEY LOOKING FACE. YOUR POO WILL BE ENTERED INTO. JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US!]


[JOIN US!]


[JOIN US!]


[JOHN UP! Oh shit, stupid predictive text...I mean JOIN US!]
































Fuck it. C'mon in...







I was officially a Swinger.